The Unpredictability of Life: Looking Back Six Years

Six years ago, I sat in this exact spot at the library of my graduate school, sipping an Americano—just as I am today. In the past, I was worried about finishing my final exams and papers while simultaneously hoping to get a call to interview for a PhD program. I was so caught up and overwhelmed by the unknowns, the what-ifs, and the volume of things I had to do. Everything seemed so important, and the implications were massive. Ever since I was in high school, I told everyone that I would get a PhD in Psychology. I resisted the cultural and familial pressures to pursue a degree in medicine or engineering, and getting into a PhD program would validate that decision. However, without it, what would I do? I had so many questions — Do I look for a job? Do I apply again next year? What will others say? Today, though, I sit here with answers to those questions and many lessons learned.

Lessons learned six years later

Lesson 1: When in the middle of it, every problem in your life feels like a big problem. However, in the grand scheme, it’s just a small chapter in your life.

Our brains can process 11 million bits of information every second, yet our conscious minds can handle only 40-50 bits per second. Therefore, our conscious mind can only see a fraction of the whole equation, and it can easily overestimate the gravity of a problem. This doesn’t mean that the challenges in your life don’t matter, but it illustrates how we can amplify the intensity of what we’re going through. In the six years since I graduated, I’ve dealt with countless new challenges, such as struggling to find a job, dealing with intense anxiety episodes, and witnessing the deterioration and loss of loved ones in my life. At the time, all things felt massive, and they were. Yet still, they all passed and faded into the background of my broader life story.

Lesson 2: Nobody really cares about you. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean.

Past me would never admit it, but I cared too much about what others thought about me, whether it be my family or classmates. I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time I felt slighted, insignificant, or as if I was a social outcast, I used it as fuel to succeed. I thought it was a healthy coping mechanism. However, looking back, I now realize that I am insignificant. We all are. We’re just a side character or an extra in someone else’s life story. Worrying about what others think isn’t worth the stress.

Whenever I had to give a class presentation, I always worried about embarrassing myself in front of my classmates. Six years later, I don’t even remember half of those classmates, nor do I remember what those presentations were about or where exactly I gave them. All my former classmates, whom I saw nearly every day for two years, have now dispersed worldwide and are living their own lives. I’ll likely never see most of them again.

Lesson 3: Things almost always work out in the long run, but not necessarily the way you plan.

I didn’t get into a PhD program, yet I’m so glad I didn’t. Initially, the rejection resulted in immense self-doubt after being unemployed for months and being told by a recruiter that I was barely worth above minimum wage despite having a Master’s degree with a 3.9 GPA while having two part-time jobs. However, that chapter also passed. By not getting into a PhD program, I got six extra years of living close to my family while forging and strengthening beautiful lifelong friendships. For two years, I was able to work for and help build a company that protects children. Now, I get paid really well to manage incredible people while working from home.

Only God could have scripted it this way. My ego wants to take the credit for how I rebounded from not getting into a PhD program, but the truth is that I didn’t plan any of this. I got recruited for my first and current jobs, and I only knew the companies existed once someone reached out to me on LinkedIn. It all worked out—it always does. We just need to have a little faith. Every failure in life creates the path for future success.

Lesson 4: Savor each moment and each experience, as it will never come back.

When stressed, we’re so focused on overcoming and getting past the obstacles that stand before us that we forget to appreciate the gifts that exist along the way. Because I wanted to get into a PhD program, I was so focused on trying to stand out and impress one of my professors that I missed countless opportunities to soak in his wisdom and savor his humility and kindness. Even though I’m back at my alma mater, sitting in the same library as I once did, I can no longer sit in on one of his classes as he passed away a few years ago.

As tempting as it can be to fast-forward the difficult moments in our lives, don’t press that button, as you’ll also miss out on the good parts.

Final words…

On my trip back to my alma mater, I met some old friends still in the area. Interestingly, very few of them are doing what they thought they would be doing six years ago, and none of them could have imagined their lives would be the way they are today. It made me realize that life is unpredictable, and rather than clinging to our own perception of how we think our life should be, it’s better to loosely make a plan and accept that it will change over and over again, and that’s okay. Along the way, all we can do is keep an open mind, have faith that things will work out, and try to appreciate each moment, no matter how bitter or sweet.

Defining your relationship with work

Most of us have a general idea of the kind of relationship that we want to have with work, and this is typically influenced by some combination of our upbringing, our current situation in life, and our inner voice (that part of you that naturally gets curious and excited about things). However, because we don’t take the time to clearly define what we want from work, we often make decisions and end up in situations that do not align with what we truly want. Without a clear personal philosophy on work, we’re susceptible to being influenced by what others want, decision paralysis, and clinging onto past ideals and philosophies that are no longer relevant in our current lives.

By clearly defining and constantly refining our personal philosophy and relationship with work, we can avoid falling into some of these traps. We can develop a framework that can help us:

Make key career decisions, such as whether to look for a new job or accept a job offer that pays less but offers a better work-life balance.
Put things into perspective, especially in moments of discontentment (e.g., helping you cool down and not overreact if your boss passes you up for a promotion)
Better understand how to make work work for us by identifying ways that work can enable success and fulfillment in our lives outside of work.

My personal work philosophy, a decade after graduating from college

Everyone’s personal work philosophy can and should look different, and it’ll evolve over time. About a decade removed from college, my career has taken twists and turns that I never expected, and I’m in a career and field far different from what I was pursuing in both my undergrad and graduate school. And yet, I’m perfectly content with that, as I’ve realized over time that I was never really chasing a specific career but a particular lifestyle and a certain set of values I could live by. Thankfully, life has taken me down a career path where this is still possible. Below is a list of principles that I’ve established for myself on work based on my own experiences and learnings:

Principle # 1: Work is a means to an end, not the end itself.

Many see work as their life’s main purpose, driven by the belief that “if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life.” When I was younger, I was of this mindset as well. If you’re going to work 40+ hours a week for the greater part of your life, it should be something that you find truly meaningful and purposeful, and it should be aligned with what you generally want to achieve.

However, over time, I’ve learned that this is a dangerous game to play, and it’s risky to put all your eggs in one basket, especially when so many things are outside your control. You can lose yourself in your work, especially when extrinsic rewards and other factors are tied to it (e.g., your ability to make ends meet and live a particular lifestyle). The external pressures can cause you to lose intrinsic motivation and passion for the things you love, which then turns into stress, apathy, and eventually burnout. Other times, you pursue your passion as a career only to realize that it’s not what you thought it would be.

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pursue your passion as a career or try to find a job that you enjoy. However, it’s important to not attach yourself to an idealized outcome. You might not end up in the career you originally wanted to be in, and that’s perfectly okay. Embrace the new opportunities in front of you. You might end up in the career you wanted, but it’s different from what you thought it would be. That’s okay, too. We need to keep an openness to life’s plan and remember that work is not the end.

Principle #2: Work should work for me.

I have to work, but work should serve me. Here is how I will know work is working for me:

Financial Security – My family is able to live a modest lifestyle, and we do not have to worry about how and where we are going to sleep or find our next meal.
Financial Opportunity – I can use the money I earn to fund some of my interests and ambitions outside of work. For example, I can take a family vacation a few times a year. I can save up enough money over time to start a business, pay for my kids’ college tuition, or donate to a cause I am invested in. However, this is a tricky one because you can blindly pursue this endlessly and reach a point where your hunger and desires become overwhelming. Some sub-principles that I consider:
- Live below your means so you can exit any work situation that becomes toxic and have a security net to fall back upon
- Don’t chase after empty things – no fancy car or latest phone model will make you happy.
- If you lose all the money you’ve earned (e.g., due to an emergency or something outside of your control) and don’t get to pursue any of these financial opportunities, you won’t regret the steps you took to accumulate that money.
Work helps me stay disciplined – This is an interesting one because work can help me stay disciplined outside of work. It forces me to go to sleep and wake up on time, and as a result, I’m more likely to do things like pray and meditate, go for a workout, read, stay on top of my chores, etc. In some ways, it serves as an anchor for me in my day-to-day life, and good behaviors become habitual. Interestingly enough, sometimes it is when I’m on vacation or during the weekends that I slip up more because I don’t have that structure or that extrinsic motivator to help me get going.

Principle #3: I want a flexible lifestyle and a healthy work-life balance.

What this looks like for me:

I generally choose my working hours; on average, I work a healthy number of hours.
- I’m evaluated against the output I’ve produced, not the number of hours I’ve worked (i.e., if I can get my work done more efficiently, I don’t have to sit there and pretend to keep working).
I can choose where I want to work (e.g., work from home in any state).
I can take time off from work, as needed or desired, to do whatever I want.
On average, I’m not stressed about work to the point where I’m thinking about work even when I’m not actively working. This does not prevent me from being able to focus on things outside of work.

Principle #4: Work functions as a practice ground that helps me develop skills outside of work

If you cannot find work you’re passionate about, you can at least find work that will help you develop skills that will help you in your life outside of work. For example, one of my personality flaws is that I am a people pleaser. I have an agreeable personality, which inhibits me from having honest conversations with my loved ones. This is true both at home and at work. However, ever since I’ve become a people manager, I’ve had to be a part of some tough conversations. It is a part of my job. As a result, I’ve had to go against my people-pleasing instinct and have these difficult conversations with my direct reports and coworkers.

We develop many skills at work that are transferrable to our life outside of work and vice versa. The good thing about work is that we can practice these skills, and the implications are far less severe if you get things wrong. You can fracture the relationship if you have a poor conversation with a loved one. However, what’s the worst that will happen if you have a poor conversation at work? You’ll get reprimanded? Work can help you develop a number of other skills, too, such as getting things done even when your heart is not in it, seeing things through completion, developing discipline, etc.

Principle # 5 – I want to work around people that I like and care about

If I’m going to spend a lot of time at work, it should be with people I like and care about. It makes working much easier. This is tricky, though, because, in almost any job, there will be people you like and dislike. I try not to over-index on this principle because I can compensate with meaningful relationships outside my work. However, it’s still important to be around people you respect and can tolerate at a minimum. For those that I dislike, I view it as an opportunity for me to practice principle #4 (i.e., the skill of patience)

Principle # 6 – My work shouldn’t conflict with my ability to practice my personal values

I never want to do work that goes against my personal values. This can be something that is strictly against my faith (e.g., wronging another person or doing something unethical), or it can be something that encourages me to go against the type of person that I strive to be (e.g., something that encourages me to be more egotistical, greedy, etc.). My view is that no matter how much I dislike my job, as long as I am still employed and receiving a paycheck, it is my duty to:

Do work honestly and to the best of my abilities (enough to be ‘meeting expectations’)
Never do anything unethical or questionable

Final words…

From early childhood, others tell us what we should want in our careers. First, it is our parents, then our teachers and schools, and eventually our employers. In the midst of all this, what gets lost is what we actually want. Without this clarity, we get stuck in the rat race, live most of our lives on autopilot, and default to chasing wealth and status, often disguising this pursuit as a quest for financial security and professional success. It is typically only in moments of extreme discontentment that we wake up and realize that something needs to change, and it is in those exact moments that we need to have a clearly defined personal philosophy on work to fall back on to regain control over our work life and find true fulfillment in this relationship.

Is our measure of success backwards?

When thinking about life on a broader scale, we know that no amount of fame, fortune, or material possessions will give us lasting joy. Furthermore, we know we will not take any of our accumulated wealth with us when we cease to exist. However, despite this knowledge, when we talk about success and successful individuals, our default is to talk about success in terms of fame, fortune, or career. We’ll glorify actors, musicians, entrepreneurs, and the wealthy. Even when having a conversation among family or friends, we default to praising those in our circle with well-paying jobs, big homes, a post-graduate degree, or a Director+ level job title. We know of the horrors and challenges of the rat race, yet we continue to gush over it and fantasize about it.

Backward success begins in childhood and bleeds into adulthood

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat”
~Lily Tomlin

A concern with this way of thinking is that it develops in childhood when children are pressured to be achievement-oriented. Kids are encouraged to be maximally involved in school – get good grades, be involved in sports, band, and other extracurricular activities. When a child achieves all they can achieve in school, the next achievement is getting into a good college, followed by a good graduate school, followed by a good-paying job, followed by an even better paying job, and so on. By the time we reach adolescence or adulthood, most of us have finally learned that these achievements and goals will not give us lasting joy. However, because we’ve been trained to think a certain way for so long, we cannot turn off this way of thinking. We do not know how to, and guidance is minimal. At some point, we go so deep into this lifestyle that we become stuck and just give-in. We cling to our wealth and our children’s achievements to preserve our joy, as minimal as it may be.

Success the right way

“You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy”
~ Garth Brooks

It is imperative that we begin to shift the focus of success to the right things in life, the things that matter. Have a well-paying career is a form of success but is it the right kind of success? What about the person who is simply a good parent, or the individual who can live life mindfully because they have control over their emotions, or the person who has achieved a high level of spiritual awareness?

Many people have attempted to move the needle on work by encouraging others to find a purposeful and meaningful career so that work no longer feels like work. This is sound advice for some, but it still promotes the rat race, just in a way that is more tolerable. Another option exists – live your life so that work is not at the center of it. The purpose of work is to enable you to create a life where you can focus on things that matter. However, many of us are disabled by work and neglect the things that matter to be successful. Unfortunately, along the way, we often find that while we get closer to success in our career, we become more and more separated from the success that matters.

Let’s shift the focus. Let’s recognize those who have achieved true success. Move away from the rat race.