Every lock has a key; similarly, every problem has a solution. When we encounter obstacles in our lives, our default response, in many cases, is to move into solution-seeking mode, trying to search for ways to fix what’s wrong. As we’ve all experienced, though, every now and then, we’ll encounter a problem that seems unsolvable despite our best efforts, leaving us feeling stuck. For example, you might feel stuck in a challenging relationship or a career with limited upward mobility. In these situations, it’s easy to get frustrated or feel helpless. However, there’s one solution available to us that we should always keep in our back pocket– acceptance.
Misconceptions and barriers to acceptance
There’s often a negative connotation that comes with acceptance. We think of it as something we’re forced into because we have no other choice. We associate it with powerlessness as if there’s a giant wall in front of us, and we decide to sit beside it and accept that we’ll never get past it. However, acceptance is more about clarity than surrender. You’re stepping back to see what the wall looks like and acknowledging its presence rather than blindly walking forward and colliding with it in frustration. Here are two common barriers to acceptance:
- Feeling that acceptance is giving up or admitting defeat. Instead, you’re being realistic and acknowledging the limitations that exist at this moment in your life. In reality, we control much less than we think we control in our lives. For example, we can control how we prepare for a job interview but can’t control whether we’ll get an offer. Once you accept the things outside your control, it frees you up and allows you to invest that energy into things you can control. You’re making a calculated decision forward.
- Blaming yourself or others. A common coping mechanism in trying to accept a suboptimal circumstance is looking for a cause or reason. Internally, a part of us feels that if we can identify the culprit, we can find a solution. However, this only gives us a false sense of control. You can blame the drivers in front of you for why you’ll be late for your doctor’s appointment, but it won’t change the fact that you will be late. The longer you spend in frustration or self-victimization, the longer it will take to experience the relief and freedom that comes from true acceptance.
What is acceptance?
Acceptance is a choice. It’s not just resigning yourself to your fate. It is a conscious decision that you are making. You’re relinquishing control of the circumstance to regain control of your life. For example, if you’re stuck in a disengaging job because you cannot find another job, you can choose to continue to be stressed and frustrated with the job market, or you can accept that it will take time and refocus your energy on recrafting your work or finding purpose outside of your work. You keep looking for jobs but stop checking your email ten times a day, hoping you landed an interview. You are choosing to invest that energy elsewhere.
Acceptance is freeing yourself from your own expectations. It’s about letting go of our expectations for how things should be and how others should act and even letting go of our expectations of ourselves. We tend to struggle with this the most when the barrier lies within. It’s easier to free ourselves from and accept external barriers (e.g., your flight gets canceled) because we can tell ourselves it was out of our hands. However, when it’s an internal barrier, such as being unable to speak up to a parent, we think we should be able to do something about it. In actuality, though, even in those situations, things are often outside our control (e.g., childhood upbringing and power dynamics that have created psychological barriers). Let go of the expectation that things should be a certain way.
Final words…
When we think about the five stages of grief, it is only when we reach acceptance that we find true closure. However, the utility of acceptance goes beyond grief; you can apply it to almost any challenge in life. It lets you let go of the thoughts and emotions holding you back and frees up your mental energy to find contentment and focus on something else. When you accept your circumstances and free yourself from your judgment, you realize that it is not the anchor that is holding you back, but it is you who is unwilling to let go of the anchor.
