The Unpredictability of Life: Looking Back Six Years

Six years ago, I sat in this exact spot at the library of my graduate school, sipping an Americano—just as I am today. In the past, I was worried about finishing my final exams and papers while simultaneously hoping to get a call to interview for a PhD program. I was so caught up and overwhelmed by the unknowns, the what-ifs, and the volume of things I had to do. Everything seemed so important, and the implications were massive. Ever since I was in high school, I told everyone that I would get a PhD in Psychology. I resisted the cultural and familial pressures to pursue a degree in medicine or engineering, and getting into a PhD program would validate that decision. However, without it, what would I do? I had so many questions — Do I look for a job? Do I apply again next year? What will others say? Today, though, I sit here with answers to those questions and many lessons learned.

Lessons learned six years later

Lesson 1: When in the middle of it, every problem in your life feels like a big problem. However, in the grand scheme, it’s just a small chapter in your life.

Our brains can process 11 million bits of information every second, yet our conscious minds can handle only 40-50 bits per second. Therefore, our conscious mind can only see a fraction of the whole equation, and it can easily overestimate the gravity of a problem. This doesn’t mean that the challenges in your life don’t matter, but it illustrates how we can amplify the intensity of what we’re going through. In the six years since I graduated, I’ve dealt with countless new challenges, such as struggling to find a job, dealing with intense anxiety episodes, and witnessing the deterioration and loss of loved ones in my life. At the time, all things felt massive, and they were. Yet still, they all passed and faded into the background of my broader life story.

Lesson 2: Nobody really cares about you. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean.

Past me would never admit it, but I cared too much about what others thought about me, whether it be my family or classmates. I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time I felt slighted, insignificant, or as if I was a social outcast, I used it as fuel to succeed. I thought it was a healthy coping mechanism. However, looking back, I now realize that I am insignificant. We all are. We’re just a side character or an extra in someone else’s life story. Worrying about what others think isn’t worth the stress.

Whenever I had to give a class presentation, I always worried about embarrassing myself in front of my classmates. Six years later, I don’t even remember half of those classmates, nor do I remember what those presentations were about or where exactly I gave them. All my former classmates, whom I saw nearly every day for two years, have now dispersed worldwide and are living their own lives. I’ll likely never see most of them again.

Lesson 3: Things almost always work out in the long run, but not necessarily the way you plan.

I didn’t get into a PhD program, yet I’m so glad I didn’t. Initially, the rejection resulted in immense self-doubt after being unemployed for months and being told by a recruiter that I was barely worth above minimum wage despite having a Master’s degree with a 3.9 GPA while having two part-time jobs. However, that chapter also passed. By not getting into a PhD program, I got six extra years of living close to my family while forging and strengthening beautiful lifelong friendships. For two years, I was able to work for and help build a company that protects children. Now, I get paid really well to manage incredible people while working from home.

Only God could have scripted it this way. My ego wants to take the credit for how I rebounded from not getting into a PhD program, but the truth is that I didn’t plan any of this. I got recruited for my first and current jobs, and I only knew the companies existed once someone reached out to me on LinkedIn. It all worked out—it always does. We just need to have a little faith. Every failure in life creates the path for future success.

Lesson 4: Savor each moment and each experience, as it will never come back.

When stressed, we’re so focused on overcoming and getting past the obstacles that stand before us that we forget to appreciate the gifts that exist along the way. Because I wanted to get into a PhD program, I was so focused on trying to stand out and impress one of my professors that I missed countless opportunities to soak in his wisdom and savor his humility and kindness. Even though I’m back at my alma mater, sitting in the same library as I once did, I can no longer sit in on one of his classes as he passed away a few years ago.

As tempting as it can be to fast-forward the difficult moments in our lives, don’t press that button, as you’ll also miss out on the good parts.

Final words…

On my trip back to my alma mater, I met some old friends still in the area. Interestingly, very few of them are doing what they thought they would be doing six years ago, and none of them could have imagined their lives would be the way they are today. It made me realize that life is unpredictable, and rather than clinging to our own perception of how we think our life should be, it’s better to loosely make a plan and accept that it will change over and over again, and that’s okay. Along the way, all we can do is keep an open mind, have faith that things will work out, and try to appreciate each moment, no matter how bitter or sweet.

Navigating the unpredictability of life

When waking up in the morning, we hold an expectation for how the day will transpire (e.g., “I’ll drop the kids off to school, go to work, come back, have dinner with the wife and kids, call my dad,” etc.). Most of the time, our calculations are correct, but sometimes, something unexpected happens. It’s usually something small like getting a cold or your refrigerator stops working, but on rare occasions, it is something far more severe, such as a loved one expectedly ending up in the hospital or passing away. When something significant like that happens, it serves as a harsh reminder of how unpredictable life is and how little control we have. Time does heal these wounds as we gradually get back to “normal,” but we still carry with us the damage from the emotional trauma that we’ve endured. We’re told to have a five or a 10-year plan for life, but how do you do that when you don’t know what could happen? No one is exempt from these unexpected moments, but we can’t live our lives goalless and in fear.

How do you move forward?

Acceptance. We need to accept that this is a complex reality and a law of the universe. We’re a small fish in the ocean that can get swept up by a wave at any moment. However, we cannot let a fear of the unknown become a form of paralysis that inhibits us from living our lives. A fish still has to try to find food and avoid predators. It might get swept up by the ocean and face a hungry shark or find a nice meal and a safe place to rest.

Try, and you might fail. Don’t try, and you’ll definitely fail.

Gratitude. It’s important to be grateful and savor each boring and monotonous day. It’s easy to feel restless and trapped when living our lives and dealing with the myriad of responsibilities and expectations placed upon us. However, a dull day is a good day. Each day

Perspective. When dealing with small nuisances or when narrowly avoiding a disaster, it can be easy to overreact and hard to shake off the fear that comes with it. For example, last week, my grandmother fell in the bathtub, and while she managed to avoid a serious injury, I couldn’t help but get caught up in wondering what would have happened if she hit her head while falling. For a while, I was disturbed by this thought. By default, I jumped into solution-seeking mode and insisted my grandma get an anti-slip mat for the tub. I was trying to control the situation by exploring solutions to prevent this from happening again.

However, maybe she was just meant to have something like this happen to her, and not having an anti-slip mat was just an excuse. She could have fallen down the stairs or slipped outside on a snowy day while attending a doctor’s appointment. What would I have done then? If something’s meant to happen, it’s going to happen. When I recognized this, I decided to shift my focus. Instead of reflecting on what could have happened, I cultivated a mindset of gratitude and thanked God that she was fine.

Taming your fear. Fear is rooted in either a dependency or an attachment, and it rears its ugly head when something unexpected happens. For example, a child is emotionally and physically dependent on their parent. If something happens to the child (e.g., they get lost in a big store), it results in an overwhelming sense of fear. What will happen to me? How will I get home? What if I never find my mom? Once they find their mother, they will latch onto her and never want to let go. They’ll hug her, squeeze her hand tightly, and the next time they call her, if she doesn’t respond right away, they’ll relive that emotional trauma from when they were lost in the store.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it is healthy and beneficial for a child to always know where their parent is. However, we carry this type of mindset into adulthood, where it becomes counterproductive. Overbearing parents and clingy spouses are born from dependencies and attachments. For this, we need to practice a healthy detachment. This doesn’t mean you stop loving your family, but you have to be okay with letting go. You can’t bubble wrap all your loved ones and keep them in your sight 24/7.

Final words…

At the end of the day, we have to accept and get comfortable with the idea that life doesn’t go the way we plan it. In the blink of an eye, your life can change for the worse (or the better). While scary, recognizing that you have little control over your life can also be freeing. You’re not Superman, and you do not have to take on the responsibility of saving the universe. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean trying to do its job.

The Problem With Gratitude

Over the past few years, gratitude has become a popular topic in the positive psychology and self-help space. Many researchers and coaches talk about the benefits of gratitude and why we should set aside time each day to be grateful for the things in our lives. We’re told to be optimistic, say thank you to the important people in our lives, and keep gratitude journals.

These are all great ideas and great things, but the problem is that many people treat gratitude as an activity or something you do once in a while. You write three things you’re grateful for every night, or you send a thank you letter to an old friend. You participate in the activity, and that’s it. If we wish to unlock the benefits and power of gratitude, we need to think of it as a lifestyle, not as an exercise.

Temporary things will only give you temporary joy.

Have you noticed how most of the things that give us joy in life are all temporary? Whether it is a meal, a movie, or a vacation – it is temporary, and therefore, the pleasure it provides is momentary. Similar to how a good meal gives only temporary joy, gratitude as an activity will only have short-term benefits.

Gratitude as a lifestyle is about appreciating what you have at every moment.

As people, we have this odd tendency to always be looking to the future or looking back in the past. Think about vacations. When you’re planning a vacation, you’re getting joy out of what is to come. As you get closer and closer to that vacation, work, and even life become more and more agonizing, and it’s as if you cannot enjoy anything until you reach that vacation. You want time to pass so that you can be hiking in California or sitting on a beach in Hawaii. When the vacation is over, you struggle to enjoy the present moment. Instead, you reflect and get sad that you are not there anymore, so you now shift your attention to your next vacation or time off. Unfortunately, even when we’re on vacation or experiencing that thing that is supposed to give us joy, we’re still longing for more. You’re dreading that there are only two days left before you go back home, or you’re upset that the lousy weather derailed some of your plans.

In moments like this, when we are stuck in the rat race of life or in this rut of continually wanting more, it’s in these precise moments where you need to remind yourself to be grateful. Each moment is a gift. Acknowledge and accept that what you have now is enough. Getting more of something is only going to give you temporary joy, if that.

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle.
Thich Nhat Hanh

Our false sense of control inhibits our ability to be grateful.

Too often, we feel that we have more control over our lives than we do. To be clear, we do have some control over our lives, and I am a strong advocate of taking charge of the things we can control. However, the universe is just so complex, and there are an infinite number of things that we cannot control (COVID-19 is a perfect example). Despite this, we often still try to control things. We can’t seem to let go. This constant need to control is what results in always being hungry for more and being unable to enjoy the present moment. This is why we still feel like something is missing in even the happiest moments of our lives. We always think that things can be better, and we try to think of how we can control the situation and reach this ideal that doesn’t even exist. As a result, we completely take away the focus from just appreciating what we already have. If you let go of this false sense of control, you will more easily be able to enjoy what you do have.

Happiness doesn’t come from getting more, but from letting go.

Final words…

We need to shift from the mentality of gratitude being an activity to the mindset that gratitude is a way of living. When you find yourself struggling to be happy in the moment, it’s important to ask yourself, why am I feeling this way? What is this doing for me? Why am I looking for more? When you take a closer look at each moment in your life, you realize that you don’t need more. You have everything that you need and more. What a great feeling.