For the longest time, I’ve been enamored with the idea of the ideal self, a fictional version of myself that represents the type of person I want to be. A person that is kind, loving, patient, resilient, disciplined, focused, [insert endless list of positive traits]. More often than not, this is just a fleeting thought, and I joyfully live my life in ignorance, on autopilot, and a slave to my environment, my conditioned habits, and my impulses. However, on occasion, this tiny voice inside the back of my head starts to yell at me, and it tries to make me feel guilty for living how I do. This voice tends to get more prominent when something happens in my life, whether at work or home, that causes a level of discontentment. For a short period of time, this voice tells me:
You need to take accountability and ownership over your life. If you want things to change and get out of living your life on autopilot, you have to be the driver of that change. You can’t sit and wait for the right opportunity or circumstance because it doesn’t exist. Besides, you don’t have the best track record with navigating favorable circumstances. Do something! Make the change, make the push!
In most cases, this voice, what I like to call the voice of the ideal self, depresses me because it reminds me how far I am from being an idealized version of myself. It reminds me of past failures and struggles that I’ve had with changing and trying to be a better person. Due to my questionable coping mechanisms when faced with an unpleasant emotion, about 3/4 of the time, when this voice yells at me, I try to distract myself from it. I do something to get my mind off of it, do something to suppress that voice and let it calm down. Most of the time, I’m successful in doing that, and I’m able to go back to the status quo until the next thing upsets me.
However, the other 25% of the time, I get a little motivated and inspired. I say to myself, “Yeah, you know what, let’s change. Let’s do something. I’m going to try something. I’m going to hit the gym tomorrow, wake up at 5 in the morning, be more mindful throughout the day, [insert list of activities that will magically turn my life around].”
When I’m motivated, it helps me get through a few repetitions. I might string together a few successful days or even weeks of enacting change. However, the problem with motivation is that it comes, and then it goes. It’s not a sustainable anchor, and once the motivation wanes, any positive change is undone at the first sight of adversity. It takes just one tough situation, and I give up. I get disappointed, so the voice of the ideal self comes back. However, this time (because of my questionable coping skills), I distract myself and go back to being blissfully ignorant and on autopilot.
And this cycle has been going on for years.
After piling on years and years of failed attempts to improve, there is just one small positive thing I can take away from it all; at least I’ve developed the wisdom and awareness that this is just how I am. That’s it. I can see it when it’s happening, as it is happening, and I don’t get as disappointed when I fail because I’m expecting to fail.
….
A few weeks ago, the ideal self started talking to me. Once again, it came after I was upset about something that I don’t even remember (that’s a lie, I do remember). This time, I was feeling motivated. The only difference this time was that I wasn’t delusional about the fact that this wouldn’t be a smooth ride. As a matter of fact, I know that I am going to fail. The motivation will go, adversity will hit, and I will fail. The only question that I am not sure about yet, is, will I get back up?
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my past failures. I’ve been trying to anticipate what is going to make me fail and have been trying to put measures in place to proactively address and account for it. I know I won’t be able to account for everything, but can I at least account for the obvious things I have tripped up on millions of times in the past? If I can do that, I will still fail… but at least it will be a new set of failures and challenges. I’m not going to win the whole game, but can I at least get past level 1 and get to level 2…that is the goal.
A few weeks in, and so far, I’m still chugging along. The process is not glorious. What keeps me going, though, is knowing that the only other option is to go back to the way things were, a slave to my laziness and impulses. It’s easier, but easier doesn’t mean better. Easier doesn’t mean happier.
After many failed attempts, I’ve built and maintained a workout routine for the first time in years.
Reflecting upon my past failures, I’ve asked myself countless times, why was it different this time? Why am I so confident that this habit will be sustainable, and is there anything I can learn from this experience to help me build other habits? I decided to use this experience as a case study to understand how habit-building works.
Identify a clear emotion-driven motivator.
It wasn’t enough to say I wanted to exercise to look or feel better. I realized there needs to be a strong emotional trigger that gives you enough activation energy, the energy required to get started. More often than not, the activation energy comes from discontentment (e.g., fear, anger, a longing for something). However, it can also be a positively rooted emotion (e.g., curiosity, excitement, love for something).
As much as I hate admitting it, the trigger for me was the feeling of disgust. I attended a family gathering when I saw a photo of myself that was not so flattering, and it created such an organic, repulsive, and disgusted feeling with myself. How did I get to this point? I’m supposed to be in the prime of my life, and instead, this is where I am? This created such a strong emotional response that it made me realize that I needed to change, and it gave me the activation energy that I needed to get started because I never wanted to feel how I felt at that moment again.
Make a plan(Research & Reflect).
A strong emotional response will give you the kick you need to get started, but if you jump right into it without doing the appropriate research and reflection, your “habit” will only last a few days. I had to be really clear about why I wanted to do this. Some questions that I asked myself were:
Why do you want to build this habit? (Covered above✅)
You’ve failed so many times in the past; what will you try differently this time?I’ve failed many times because I hate going to the gym. I hate the treadmill, and I feel like I always get hurt when I lift weights. The only vigorous exercise in my life that I’ve ever enjoyed is playing basketball. If this is to be sustainable, I need to do something I want, so I will try to play basketball.
What do you need to get started? Where will you go? How often? How will you fit this in with your work schedule? All I need is a basketball and a pump for the basketball. I used to go to a park years ago, so I can see if the hoops there are still in decent condition. I don’t want to go in the morning, but I can go in the evenings after work before dinner.
How will this impact other parts of your routine? We often fixate so much on the habit itself that we neglect how it will affect different parts of our lives. This is a question I did not ask myself, but I wish I did, as it would have made things easier. For example, I wish I accounted for the fact that I wouldn’t have the energy to make dinner after working out, I needed extra sleep to account for the physical exercise, I had to do an extra load of laundry a week, etc.
Make a commitment.
You’ve done everything you can to mentally prepare yourself for your habit. The only thing left is to commit to it. Set a time and date when you’re going to start. Contrary to what most people will tell you, it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow. If the motivation wanes after just a few days of waiting, you will likely fail anyway, as your emotional trigger isn’t strong enough.
I started on a day where the rest of my schedule was flexible. I chose a day that wasn’t too hot, there was no chance of rain, and I could finish my work early. I could also account for any unexpected disruptions that may come up.
Be patient, be kind, and repeat, repeat, repeat.
One of the mistakes we make when we try to build a habit is that we idealize and set too high of a bar for what success looks like. In the first few weeks, the only two things that will determine whether you’re successful or not are attendance and participation. That’s it. If I told myself on day one that I was going to play basketball for an hour, do several drills, and do a bunch of suicides (a sprinting drill), then I was destined to fail. The reality of day one was that I realized how out of shape I was. I broke a sweat and was panting just from chasing the basketball after I missed a shot. I felt so self-conscious on the court; my body felt uneasy with the side-to-side and unusual movements, and I didn’t get past 30-35 minutes.
However, I wasn’t demoralized or defeated. I went in with a low bar for success. I knew this was a process, and I went there and did it, and that’s what mattered. During my next session, the only thing that would matter is if I showed up and tried again. After several weeks, you can begin to set metrics and goals but now is not the time. You need to positively reinforce the success. If you look at it in any other way, you’ll be disappointed and want to quit after a few days.
Use data and adjust your plan again.
Even after just a few days, you’ll have several new data points that you can use to correct course and refine your habit. It’s extremely important to reflect on what is working and what is not and think about optimizing your new routine or practice.
For example, I thought that working out would only be a 45-minute commitment, but adding in getting ready to go, commuting to the park and back, and showering turned it into a 90-minute commitment. On top of that, I was much more tired and sore, meaning it took me longer than usual to do just about anything else. I also took a look at the workout itself. I slowly started to incorporate drills and realized I needed to wear specific types of shoes to prevent my ankles from hurting. I also needed to watch videos on different stretches to prevent soreness. Through this, I learned that this would be an iterative process. Almost daily, I thought about how to optimize my routine or research different things about working out.
Think through all the different things that will break your habitand adapt.
When building a habit, you usually need a consistent and predictable routine to get through the first couple of weeks. This is why I would never recommend starting a habit when you know you’re about to go on vacation or have a hectic work schedule where you will be working more than usual. However, you can only stay in this bubble for so long. At some point, you must face reality, which is full of traps that will try to break your habit. Given that, you have to try to be one step ahead and anticipate what will fail. I had to think carefully about things like what I’d do if it rained on a day I was going to work out or if I got to the park and all the hoops were taken. I made shifts to my routine to prevent them from becoming significant obstacles. For example, I knew that as the summer progressed and kids were on summer break, the courts would get filled in the evening, and it would get too hot to work out. As a result, I slowly shifted my workouts to the mornings.
However, other challenges ahead of me were harder to control (i.e., being away from home for a week). In those circumstances, I had to constantly reinforce to myself that I cannot chase perfection. I was visiting family for a week and determined to keep my basketball routine, so I researched and found a park nearby with basketball courts. When I reached my family’s place the next day, I proudly drove to the park but found no basketball court there. At first, I was really disappointed and demoralized. What do I do now?
I did some basic bodyweight workouts to break a sweat (e.g., jogging in place, jumping jacks, etc.), but I felt out of place and disappointed. This wasn’t nearly as vigorous as my basketball routine is, and I was stuck there for a week. I thought about what I could do to adjust though, and the next day, I adapted. I reminded myself that success is a long-term game and is determined by attendance and participation. The next day I went back to the park, went for a warmup job around the park, and then I practiced some dribbling drills with my basketball. Was it as intense as my regular workout? No. However, I showed up and did what I could. What I learned is that when faced with adverse circumstances, you can only focus on what is in your control and try to stay where you are on your journey. If you fall back a bit, you just need to get back up when things calm down. For me, this meant there would be days when I couldn’t play basketball. However, I could have a lighter, maintenance-type backup workout (e.g., jumping jacks, going for a jog, resistance bands) that would help me maintain the endurance I had worked so hard to build.
What we expect growth to be like:
What growth is actually like:
Final words…
“Success is when hard work meets opportunity.”
A lot of building habits come down to good circumstances and luck. Sometimes, you need the stars to align. However, you must be ready to pounce on the opportunity when they do. After having successfully built a workout routine that has lasted several months, I’ve learned that there is a loose formula that can help with building habits:
Identify a clear motivator, usually a strong emotion that will give you enough activation energy to get started
Spend time in deep reflection and researching the ins and outs of how and why you are building this habit
Commit and be kind to yourself along the way. The most important criteria for success are attendance and participation
Collect data and keep iterating on your routine – do your best to optimize it
Think about why you’ve failed in the past or what will make you fail in the future, and try to be one step ahead of it. Adapt when you need to.
Lastly, you need to get some reward from what you do, and the reward has to come from the habit itself, not something else. I’ve seen a lot of books that say to reinforce a habit, you need to give yourself a treat after you successfully complete a habit (e.g., get yourself some ice cream), but that simply is not going to work. It’s too easy to game the system and give yourself the treat without engaging in the habit. The reward has to come or be tied to the habit itself. For myself, I feel so empowered and confident that I am succeeding in something I failed at for so long that it makes me feel that I can succeed in doing anything else, too. On top of that, now that I’ve adjusted to a basketball routine, it often is the highlight of my day. It’s the one activity I’m doing for myself; no one can complain or have a problem with the fact that I’m doing it, and it’s much easier to be in the moment (in large part because I’m too physically tired to think about anything else 😅)
Most of us have a general idea of the kind of relationship that we want to have with work, and this is typically influenced by some combination of our upbringing, our current situation in life, and our inner voice (that part of you that naturally gets curious and excited about things). However, because we don’t take the time to clearly define what we want from work, we often make decisions and end up in situations that do not align with what we truly want. Without a clear personal philosophy on work, we’re susceptible to being influenced by what others want, decision paralysis, and clinging onto past ideals and philosophies that are no longer relevant in our current lives.
By clearly defining and constantly refining our personal philosophy and relationship with work, we can avoid falling into some of these traps. We can develop a framework that can help us:
Make key career decisions, such as whether to look for a new job or accept a job offer that pays less but offers a better work-life balance.
Put things into perspective, especially in moments of discontentment (e.g., helping you cool down and not overreact if your boss passes you up for a promotion)
Better understand how to make work work for us by identifying ways that work can enable success and fulfillment in our lives outside of work.
My personal work philosophy, a decade after graduating from college
Everyone’s personal work philosophy can and should look different, and it’ll evolve over time. About a decade removed from college, my career has taken twists and turns that I never expected, and I’m in a career and field far different from what I was pursuing in both my undergrad and graduate school. And yet, I’m perfectly content with that, as I’ve realized over time that I was never really chasing a specific career but a particular lifestyle and a certain set of values I could live by. Thankfully, life has taken me down a career path where this is still possible. Below is a list of principles that I’ve established for myself on work based on my own experiences and learnings:
Principle # 1: Work is a means to an end, not the end itself.
Many see work as their life’s main purpose, driven by the belief that “if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life.” When I was younger, I was of this mindset as well. If you’re going to work 40+ hours a week for the greater part of your life, it should be something that you find truly meaningful and purposeful, and it should be aligned with what you generally want to achieve.
However, over time, I’ve learned that this is a dangerous game to play, and it’s risky to put all your eggs in one basket, especially when so many things are outside your control. You can lose yourself in your work, especially when extrinsic rewards and other factors are tied to it (e.g., your ability to make ends meet and live a particular lifestyle). The external pressures can cause you to lose intrinsic motivation and passion for the things you love, which then turns into stress, apathy, and eventually burnout. Other times, you pursue your passion as a career only to realize that it’s not what you thought it would be.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pursue your passion as a career or try to find a job that you enjoy. However, it’s important to not attach yourself to an idealized outcome. You might not end up in the career you originally wanted to be in, and that’s perfectly okay. Embrace the new opportunities in front of you. You might end up in the career you wanted, but it’s different from what you thought it would be. That’s okay, too. We need to keep an openness to life’s plan and remember that work is not the end.
Principle #2: Work should work for me.
I have to work, but work should serve me. Here is how I will know work is working for me:
Financial Security – My family is able to live a modest lifestyle, and we do not have to worry about how and where we are going to sleep or find our next meal.
Financial Opportunity – I can use the money I earn to fund some of my interests and ambitions outside of work. For example, I can take a family vacation a few times a year. I can save up enough money over time to start a business, pay for my kids’ college tuition, or donate to a cause I am invested in. However, this is a tricky one because you can blindly pursue this endlessly and reach a point where your hunger and desires become overwhelming. Some sub-principles that I consider:
Live below your means so you can exit any work situation that becomes toxic and have a security net to fall back upon
Don’t chase after empty things – no fancy car or latest phone model will make you happy.
If you lose all the money you’ve earned (e.g., due to an emergency or something outside of your control) and don’t get to pursue any of these financial opportunities, you won’t regret the steps you took to accumulate that money.
Work helps me stay disciplined – This is an interesting one because work can help me stay disciplined outside of work. It forces me to go to sleep and wake up on time, and as a result, I’m more likely to do things like pray and meditate, go for a workout, read, stay on top of my chores, etc. In some ways, it serves as an anchor for me in my day-to-day life, and good behaviors become habitual. Interestingly enough, sometimes it is when I’m on vacation or during the weekends that I slip up more because I don’t have that structure or that extrinsic motivator to help me get going.
Principle #3:I want a flexible lifestyle and a healthy work-life balance.
What this looks like for me:
I generally choose my working hours; on average, I work a healthy number of hours.
I’m evaluated against the output I’ve produced, not the number of hours I’ve worked (i.e., if I can get my work done more efficiently, I don’t have to sit there and pretend to keep working).
I can choose where I want to work (e.g., work from home in any state).
I can take time off from work, as needed or desired, to do whatever I want.
On average, I’m not stressed about work to the point where I’m thinking about work even when I’m not actively working. This does not prevent me from being able to focus on things outside of work.
Principle #4: Work functions as a practice ground that helps me develop skills outside of work
If you cannot find work you’re passionate about, you can at least find work that will help you develop skills that will help you in your life outside of work. For example, one of my personality flaws is that I am a people pleaser. I have an agreeable personality, which inhibits me from having honest conversations with my loved ones. This is true both at home and at work. However, ever since I’ve become a people manager, I’ve had to be a part of some tough conversations. It is a part of my job. As a result, I’ve had to go against my people-pleasing instinct and have these difficult conversations with my direct reports and coworkers.
We develop many skills at work that are transferrable to our life outside of work and vice versa. The good thing about work is that we can practice these skills, and the implications are far less severe if you get things wrong. You can fracture the relationship if you have a poor conversation with a loved one. However, what’s the worst that will happen if you have a poor conversation at work? You’ll get reprimanded? Work can help you develop a number of other skills, too, such as getting things done even when your heart is not in it, seeing things through completion, developing discipline, etc.
Principle # 5 – I want to work around people that I like and care about
If I’m going to spend a lot of time at work, it should be with people I like and care about. It makes working much easier. This is tricky, though, because, in almost any job, there will be people you like and dislike. I try not to over-index on this principle because I can compensate with meaningful relationships outside my work. However, it’s still important to be around people you respect and can tolerate at a minimum. For those that I dislike, I view it as an opportunity for me to practice principle #4 (i.e., the skill of patience)
Principle # 6 – My work shouldn’t conflict with my ability to practice my personal values
I never want to do work that goes against my personal values. This can be something that is strictly against my faith (e.g., wronging another person or doing something unethical), or it can be something that encourages me to go against the type of person that I strive to be (e.g., something that encourages me to be more egotistical, greedy, etc.). My view is that no matter how much I dislike my job, as long as I am still employed and receiving a paycheck, it is my duty to:
Do work honestly and to the best of my abilities (enough to be ‘meeting expectations’)
Never do anything unethical or questionable
Final words…
From early childhood, others tell us what we should want in our careers. First, it is our parents, then our teachers and schools, and eventually our employers. In the midst of all this, what gets lost is what we actually want. Without this clarity, we get stuck in the rat race, live most of our lives on autopilot, and default to chasing wealth and status, often disguising this pursuit as a quest for financial security and professional success. It is typically only in moments of extreme discontentment that we wake up and realize that something needs to change, and it is in those exact moments that we need to have a clearly defined personal philosophy on work to fall back on to regain control over our work life and find true fulfillment in this relationship.
It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle of day-to-day life. With so much going on in our professional and personal lives, we are so consumed by what is right in front of us. We’re so immersed in what we are doing, and it is as if we are on autopilot. We’re going down a dangerous path when we operate like this. It’s easy for weeks, months, or years to go by where you’re on autopilot, and the moment you stop, you look back and wonder where all that precious time went that you are never going to get back. It’s important to pause from time to time to remind ourselves of the hard truths of life so that we can stop living on autopilot and control where we want to go:
Truth #1:
We will all die, and it might be much sooner than you expect and much less pleasant than you wish. Don’t think anything in your future is guaranteed, not even the next hour.
Truth #2:
Everyone around you, everyone you love or hate, is also going to die, and it also might be sooner than you expect.
Truth #3:
Everything is temporary, whether it be people or possessions. Death will take everything you have accumulated, but things can be taken from you much sooner than that, no matter how hard you worked or how much you love it. It’s yours, but it is also not. It is borrowed, and you must eventually return it, potentially without any advance notice.
Truth #4:
You can enjoy what you’ve been given (family, friends, success, fame, fortune, possessions), but again, remember it can and will be taken away from you (or you from it). Attaching yourself to it or refusing to let go will only cause you to suffer.
Truth #5: We operate under a logic (e.g., we do good, good will happen to us. We work hard, we will be rewarded), but this logic is false. There may be a logic that exists, but it’s not something we can necessarily comprehend or understand.
Accepting these truths and moving forward:
Acknowledging these truths can be extremely crippling (because you realize how little you control) or extremely liberating (because you realize how little you control). If you find it crippling, you’re riding against (or trying to control) the waves of life. If you find it liberating, you realize that you can’t control the ocean, so instead, you go with the ups and downs of life, accept both the calm and turbulent moments, and learn how to surf and go with the flow.
It can be easy to reject these truths for those who are externally thriving and have fame, fortune, or status because our ego gets in the way. Furthermore, we’re afraid and don’t want to accept that we may lose everything we have. For those struggling, this can provide solace as we remember that our suffering is temporary and that no one is above these laws. Furthermore, we can provide our egos some comfort knowing that the universe operates under a different logic than we are used to, which means that our inability to thrive externally may not be our fault.
Final words…
As you go about your day, think about these truths. How do they fit into your life? If you’re thriving, don’t attach yourself to this feeling — it will pass. If you’re struggling, don’t lose hope — this too shall pass. We only have a finite amount of time in this world, so be careful what you do with it.
For those of us that struggle with anxiety, we know far too well that it can have devastating effects on your day-to-day life. At its worst, it can consume you all day and induce a state of mild paralysis where you feel that you can’t take action. What I’m referring to is not necessarily the type of anxiety you feel before giving a presentation (although it could be), but it’s when you wake up in the morning and feel tense and afraid. You’re subconsciously wondering, how am I going to survive the day? What’s going to trigger my anxiety? And oddly enough, sometimes just the fear of getting anxiety starts to cause anxiety.
A simple trick that I uncovered a few days ago to help me navigate my anxiety is to declare war on it. I woke up one morning, was waiting for my coffee to finish brewing, and despite feeling groggy, my mind started to run a million miles an hour, hoping that I wouldn’t feel anxious today. That very thought started to make me anxious. I don’t know what triggered this thought in my head, but I just got a bit fed up. I’m tired of this. Enough is enough. Today, I’m not going to let my anxiety control me. I took a deep breath, grabbed my coffee, went to my room, and proceeded on with my day as if my anxiety did not exist.
Did the anxiety disappear for the rest of the day? No. But for some reason, it wasn’t crippling or paralyzing. It was just something my body was doing on autopilot (e.g., getting tense, heart rate elevating). Sure my mind would still go down rabbit holes of anxious thinking, but there was a detachment from those thoughts. Luckily enough, things weren’t too bad from midday onward, and towards the end of the day, those thoughts significantly reduced.
Since then, I’ve made a conscious effort each morning to declare war on my anxiety. There’s no wow factor to this. It’s nothing magical. But making this affirmation, especially when I can emotionally get behind it, seems to make a difference.You have to bring this intention to not let your anxiety rule over you to your conscious awareness by saying it out loud (or in your head) in the morning. The anxious thoughts come and go, but it doesn’t define me, and therefore, it shouldn’t dictate my day or get in the way of me pursuing other things.
Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
When something is not working, when we feel lost, or when we don’t know what to be doing in the present moment, our mind nudges us into action. It could be seeking a solution, talking to someone about our stressors, or just distracting ourselves with a TV show or food. Through some mechanism over time, our mind has developed this strong belief that doing is always the solution. However, as we have experienced over and over again, action does not fix everything. Watching TV doesn’t always cure boredom, and venting doesn’t heal anger. If we’re lucky, we may achieve temporary relief, but the root of the problem remains – we always feel the need to control things, and as a result, we feel the need to always do something.
The Art of Non-Doing
Yesterday, when feeling a bit restless and in a rut, I wrote a journal entry/note on my phone:
I gave in today and tried to logically get myself out of the rut that I’m feeling regarding my monotonous day-to-day routine.I googled for ideas, I went on Reddit, I listened to talks, I tried reading, and quite honestly, none of it worked. Had I not stressed over this, I could have least enjoyed the past two hours. It wouldn’t change anything, but it may have been relaxing, and that might have helped.
I experienced a challenging emotion (restlessness), but no amount of doing was able to fix this. As a matter of fact, it may have made things worse because I felt tired and like I had lost valuable time on my day off, and I had nothing to show for it. When we feel unpleasant emotions, we feel the need to get rid of them. What we fail to recognize and admit to ourselves is that it is okay, and it is human, to experience negative emotions. Not every negative moment or feeling has to be a crisis.
We do not know how to sit with our feelings. The art of non-doing is recognizing that it is okay to not try to fix everything. It is okay to feel bad and let ourselves feel that way. Oddly enough, this acknowledgment in and of itself is empowering and a mood lifter. Does this mean give up or stop trying? Absolutely not! It means learning to distinguish between what you can control and what you cannot control and being okay with what you cannot control.
Non-doing simply means letting go, letting things be the way that they are, and letting them unfold the way they are intended.
Practicing Non-Doing
“When we spend some time each day in non-doing, resting in awareness, observing the flow of the breath and the activity of our mind and body without getting caught up in that activity, we are cultivating calmness and mindfulness hand in hand”
~Jon Kabat-Zinn
Meditation, at its core, is an exercise of non-doing. However, it is not the only way to practice non-doing. I have found that non-doing is about absorbing what is happening in the present moment as it shifts into the next moment. It is also about making a conscious decision not to be pulled in several directions by our feelings, desires, or external pressure. Non-doing can also manifest through effortless action (i.e., things that induce a state of flow). This could be listening to music, going for a walk, or swimming. The key here is intentionality. Is movement enabling your ability to be aware and present, or is it just another thing you are doing?
More than anything, non-doing is something that results through the decisions we make in our day-to-day. When you’re bored, do you automatically grab your smartphone and scroll through social media, or do you sit with it and be okay being bored? When someone messages you from work in the evening, do you immediately respond or put it aside and respond during regular working hours?
Final words…
“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy”
~ Guillaume Apollinaire
If there’s a takeaway I can give from this post, it is this – the next time you’re in a rut, or you feel stuck, rather than jumping into action, take a moment to pause. Take just two minutes. Take a handful of deep breathes, analyze what is happening around you, recite a mantra to ground you, and/or ask yourself this question – do I need to be doing something right now and will it fix how I am feeling?
When thinking about life on a broader scale, we know that no amount of fame, fortune, or material possessions will give us lasting joy. Furthermore, we know we will not take any of our accumulated wealth with us when we cease to exist. However, despite this knowledge, when we talk about success and successful individuals, our default is to talk about success in terms of fame, fortune, or career. We’ll glorify actors, musicians, entrepreneurs, and the wealthy. Even when having a conversation among family or friends, we default to praising those in our circle with well-paying jobs, big homes, a post-graduate degree, or a Director+ level job title. We know of the horrors and challenges of the rat race, yet we continue to gush over it and fantasize about it.
Backward success begins in childhoodand bleeds into adulthood
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat”
~Lily Tomlin
A concern with this way of thinking is that it develops in childhood when children are pressured to be achievement-oriented. Kids are encouraged to be maximally involved in school – get good grades, be involved in sports, band, and other extracurricular activities. When a child achieves all they can achieve in school, the next achievement is getting into a good college, followed by a good graduate school, followed by a good-paying job, followed by an even better paying job, and so on. By the time we reach adolescence or adulthood, most of us have finally learned that these achievements and goals will not give us lasting joy. However, because we’ve been trained to think a certain way for so long, we cannot turn off this way of thinking. We do not know how to, and guidance is minimal. At some point, we go so deep into this lifestyle that we become stuck and just give-in. We cling to our wealth and our children’s achievements to preserve our joy, as minimal as it may be.
Success the right way
“You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy”
~ Garth Brooks
It is imperative that we begin to shift the focus of success to the right things in life, the things that matter. Have a well-paying career is a form of success but is it the right kind of success? What about the person who is simply a good parent, or the individual who can live life mindfully because they have control over their emotions, or the person who has achieved a high level of spiritual awareness?
Many people have attempted to move the needle on work by encouraging others to find a purposeful and meaningful career so that work no longer feels like work. This is sound advice for some, but it still promotes the rat race, just in a way that is more tolerable. Another option exists – live your life so that work is not at the center of it. The purpose of work is to enable you to create a life where you can focus on things that matter. However, many of us are disabled by work and neglect the things that matter to be successful. Unfortunately, along the way, we often find that while we get closer to success in our career, we become more and more separated from the success that matters.
Let’s shift the focus. Let’s recognize those who have achieved true success. Move away from the rat race.
As we all know, most of our thoughts and reactions are automatic. Think of all the times when you’re watching TV and your mind randomly drifts into that project you haven’t finished at work, or think of when you instantly get annoyed at that driver who isn’t moving when the traffic light turns green. The good thing about this process is that we don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of information our mind is processing. The bad thing, however, is that this process has some hiccups. According to David Burns’ book on mood therapy, there are ten cognitive distortionsthat many of us suffer from:
All-or-Nothing Thinking. This flawed type of thinking is when we see things as black and white. Either you succeeded or you failed, nothing in between. You’ve succeeded if you got a 4.0 GPA, but anything less and you’ve failed. All-or-nothing thinkers are perfectionists. The slightest mistake or flaw and they assume the worst of themselves or their performance. These thinkers are too hard on themselves (and possibly others as well). Their expectations are unrealistic, and as a result, they’re almost always going to fail to meet their expectations.
Overgeneralization. This flawed type of thinking is when you treat a singular occurrence as a common occurrence. For example, you’re working on a project on your computer when the computer randomly restarts. You lost your work as you did not save it and say “This always happens to me! I’m always unlucky!” In actuality, this may have been the first time that it ever happened to you, or maybe it happened once before. It’s not an every day occurrence but you are treating it as if it is. When a friend doesn’t respond back to your text message, you might say “she never responds back” even though it was a rare occurrence for your friend to not respond to your message.
Dwelling on the negative. This is when you identify a negative detail from a situation or occurrence and you dwell on it. For example, you have your performance review at work and get heavily praised, but are given one small piece of criticism. Rather than appreciating that you did so well, you dwell on that negative piece. As a result, you question how you messed up, or maybe you get annoyed at your supervisor because you felt that piece of criticism was unfair. Either way, you fail to put the situation into perspective because all you can focus on is the negative.
Disqualifying the positive. This is when you take a positive situation and either fail to acknowledge that it’s positive or you disqualify it. For example, if someone gives you a compliment, rather than believing it, you might say “They’re just being nice” or “anyone could have done it.” If you do something well, you might say “I was just lucky.” This could be perceived as humility as well, however, what matters is the intent behind it. A humble person would say “I did well, but I acknowledge that there were other factors involved too and I was fortunate to be in the right situation at the right time” whereas someone who is disqualifying the positive would say “Anyone could have done it. I was just lucky.”
Jumping to conclusions. This is when you make assumptions that are not justifiable by any type of facts or information. For example, if you’re talking with a friend who seems disengaged, you assume that you’re boring him, when in actuality he might just be stressed or tired and is finding it difficult to concentrate. Burns refers to this as a “mind reading” error. Another type of thinking error in the realm of jumping to conclusions is the “fortune teller error.” This is when you make an assumption by predicting something that is unrealistic. For example, if your left arm is hurting, you say to yourself that you must be having a heart attack even though you’ve had left arm pains before and it was never a heart attack.
Magnification and minimization. You catastrophize small negative occurrences whereas you minimize positive occurrences. You make a small mistake at work and think that you’re going to get fired, or maybe you get into a small argument with your girlfriend and think she’ll never forgive you. Magnification and minimization is sometimes also called ‘unfavorable comparisons’ because this type of distorting thinking often happens when comparing yourself against others. For example, you might think “John’s so successful because he’s a lawyer (magnifying another’s strengths) whereas I’m not because I’m just an accountant (minimizing your own strengths).”
Emotional Reasoning. This is when you think your emotions are the ultimate truth. This is when you say “I feel stupid, so I must be stupid” or “I feel guilty, so I must have done something bad.” You might think that you do not do this because the examples I have shown are a bit extreme, but ever think that you can’t solve a problem because you’re feeling overwhelmed? That’s an emotional reasoning flaw. “I feel overwhelmed so I must not be able to solve this problem.”
Should/Must Statements. This can be either self-directed or other-directed. When it’s self-directed, you assume that you should or must do something and add pressure on yourself. You say “I must go to the gym” or “many people have it harder than I do so I should be happy and not sad.” Alternatively, when it is other-directed, you make assumptions as to how others should behave. You might say “He’s already overweight, he shouldn’t have eaten that brownie” or “she should’ve been here five minutes ago.” As you see here, you create somewhat of a faulty logic for yourself and others and operate under the assumption that you know what is right and how things should be done for yourself and/or others.
Labeling. Burns states that labeling is an extreme form of overgeneralization. It’s when a negative occurrence happens and you label yourself for it. It’s when you say you are a certain why because of something you did. You don’t get the job and say to yourself “I’m a failure.” The labels are generally oversimplified and just wrong.
Personalization. What defines this distortion is guilt. This is when you blame yourself or conclude that a negative occurrence resulted because of you. Your child got detention because he yelled at this teacher and you think to yourself that it’s your fault because you are the parent. In this circumstance, you’re operating under the assumption that you control others and other situations. You can influence others, but you cannot control them.
Final words…
In all of these distortions, you’ll notice some overlap. For example, most of these distortions are a result of faulty assumptions, false logic, and based on no real evidence. Furthermore, most of these have a tendency to either (a) fixate on the negative or (b) negate/ignore the positive. What Burns and most psychologists don’t usually talk about is individuals who have a tendency to do the opposite. These individuals are those who generally are overconfident with possibly an overinflated ego and are those who (a) assume everything they do is positive or (b) everything others do is negative. Either way, cognitive distortions exist and we are all guilty of them.
Way too many people out there have this belief that optimism is synonymous with delusion and/or being unrealistic. I hear it all the time that optimists are just sunshine, rainbows, and flowers. They don’t see or acknowledge the hurt and pain that’s out there in the world. They are optimistic because their life is good. Their reality is distorted. One individual on Fox News went so far to say that optimism was at fault for why a US soldier killed 16 Afghan civilians because “soldiers are actually taught to deny stress and trauma, and false bravado is actually encouraged.”
But did you ever stop to think that maybe optimists are the realists? Maybe their life is good BECAUSE they are optimistic? The truth is that optimism and positivity wins. A mild dose of pessimism has its utility, and extremism of anything is unhealthy, but by and large, optimism wins. According to the research shared in Martin Seligman’s book on optimism, on average, optimists have better physical and mental health, and they are better achievers than pessimists. It’s just a fact.
That being said, optimism is not necessarily what you’ve been fed by other people. It’s not just turning everything negative into something positive, and nor is it something you can experience by just having a positive pep talk with yourself while standing in front of a mirror. Ultimately, the way you distinguish an optimist from a pessimist is based on how an individual explains to themselves the bad things that happen to them in their life.
Optimists vs. Pessimists:
When something bad happens, an optimist WILL feel bad. Of course they will. They’re human. It’s not just that their glass is half full. They’re not delusional. However, the difference between them and the pessimist is that the optimists’ feelings of helplessness are temporary and they are more likely to contextualize the bad event. The pessimist, on the other hand, views bad events as more permanent and a general occurrence in their life that is inevitable and unavoidable.
The pessimist is very passive and helpless. The pessimist accepts the inevitable doom of his or her life, and a bad event is just a reflection of that. The pessimist feels they cannot really do anything about the situation. The optimist is also passive and helpless, but that’s very short lived. Soon the optimist realizes that:
The bad event is not a reflection of my life; it happened because of X, Y, and Z. Maybe I can’t do anything about this situation, but I can do A, B, and C to move forward.
Bad things happen, and they suck, but that will not stop me from growing, getting better, and achieving my goals. Just because I feel bad about this doesn’t mean I need to feel terrible about my entire life.
I have the power to move on and not feel terrible anymore.
On average, both the optimist and the pessimist experience the same bad events. Furthermore, they feel equally as bad when bad things happen to them. However, the difference is that soon after, the pessimist enables the helplessness whereas the optimist suppresses it. The pessimist feels a lack of control while the optimist takes control. The pessimist becomes passive while the optimist becomes active. Optimists forgive themselves and the negative events in their lives whereas pessimists hold a grudge.
When it comes to how we perceive the good things that happen to ourselves in life, we see almost the exact opposite thing happen. Optimists view the good events as more permanent and a general occurrence of their life whereas pessimists view good events as more temporary and are more likely to contextualize or think it is a fluke. An optimist takes a good event, savors it, and then is motivated to replicate the good event (they feel a sense of control). A pessimist, on the other hand, sours some of the good feelings by thinking this occurrence is not sustainable and is a result of luck or chance.
Final words…
Both optimism and pessimism are habits. The good news is that optimism can be learned and pessimism can be unlearned. Again, it’s not to say that all optimism is good and all pessimism is bad (that’s a conversations for another day). Also, it doesn’t mean that optimists can’t have pessimistic moments or vice versa. A bad event is a bad event and everyone is going to feel bad about it. The difference, however, as Seligman states in his book, is that “in optimists, a failure produces only brief demoralization” (p.76). It’s short-lived. Optimists rebound faster and take control of their situation. This is why they are generally healthier, happier, and higher-achievers.
Friday is great. For most of us, it’s the last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend where we can be relax, be lazy if we want, and actually do the things that we enjoy. We can stay at home, or we can go out. We can spend time with family and friends rather than our manager or boss. However, if we’re excited about Friday, and we spend the greater part of our week in anticipation of Friday, then do you wonder that something might be wrong?
Think about it.
We’re happy on Friday night, Saturday, and the greater part of Sunday. Sunday night comes around and we start dealing with the Sunday night blues. We’re dreading the fact that our weekend, our mini-vacation, is over. We come to the realization that we now need to start preparing for the worst part of the week – Monday. On Sunday night, we’re sad that the good part of the week is over and now the bad part of the week is about to begin. Then comes Monday and we try to survive. On Tuesday it’s a little easier to survive. On Wednesday, we’re somewhat adjusted to the week and feeling okay because it’s hump day and half the work week is over. Thursday is also okay because it’s almost Friday, but Friday needs to get here soon! On Friday, we jump for joy because it is FINALLY Friday!
Our whole work week revolves around waiting for Friday night. However, is 57-71% of our week so bad that we’re just waiting and waiting for the moment to arrive where that part of the week is over?And we expect to live 40+ years like this where from Sunday night to Thursday we’re just waiting for Friday? Here’s an excerpt from a few talks by Gary Vaynerchuk that describe the problem with Friday:
To live your life where you love Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday, and despise Monday through Thursday or Friday morning… it’s devastating to me because you’re wasting too much of your life, and I’m trying to put pressure on the conversation to say if you love Friday that much, then you really need to look at Monday through Thursday
If you start your week being sad, and it progressively gets better, you have a problem. We spend way too much time in our lives doing our jobs. When you’re spending most of your life working, it’s important that that thing is on point. It’s a math game. If you’re spending 83% of your time, 72% of your time, 64% of your time on something you hate, that’s devastating.
We basically live to work. If you’re not happy, where are you going?
Final Words…
Let me say this – being excited about Friday is not necessarily a bad thing. We should be excited to have more time for ourselves, our families, and our non-work related interests. However, if you’re excited about Friday, but you are dreading Monday, then THAT is a problem. If you sleep eight hours a day and work 40 hours a week, you’re spending about 36% of your waking hours at work. You can probably add in an additional 10-15% for overtime, commute, and when you’re not at work but thinking about it. That’s almost half of your waking hours every week.
We’re never going to be in a situation where we’re 100% happy or a 100% satisfied with our work life, and sometimes we might even have to do a job that we do not like. However, if you’re so eager for Friday and not about Monday, I strongly encourage you to find what you love and pursue it, or find a way to transform what you do into something you love (or at least find bearable). If you can do that now and it’s feasible, then do it. If you can’t do it now because it’s not feasible, find a way to make it feasible.
It’s easy to fall into the trap and say to yourself “I just don’t like work” or “I am in a situation where I can’t leave my work and find something else even though I dislike it,” but if you don’t make a change, you’re going to be spending almost half of your waking life for up to 40+ more years miserable and just waiting for Friday. Find a way to make it happen. Either transform your work or find better work.
