The Unpredictability of Life: Looking Back Six Years

Six years ago, I sat in this exact spot at the library of my graduate school, sipping an Americano—just as I am today. In the past, I was worried about finishing my final exams and papers while simultaneously hoping to get a call to interview for a PhD program. I was so caught up and overwhelmed by the unknowns, the what-ifs, and the volume of things I had to do. Everything seemed so important, and the implications were massive. Ever since I was in high school, I told everyone that I would get a PhD in Psychology. I resisted the cultural and familial pressures to pursue a degree in medicine or engineering, and getting into a PhD program would validate that decision. However, without it, what would I do? I had so many questions — Do I look for a job? Do I apply again next year? What will others say? Today, though, I sit here with answers to those questions and many lessons learned.

Lessons learned six years later

Lesson 1: When in the middle of it, every problem in your life feels like a big problem. However, in the grand scheme, it’s just a small chapter in your life.

Our brains can process 11 million bits of information every second, yet our conscious minds can handle only 40-50 bits per second. Therefore, our conscious mind can only see a fraction of the whole equation, and it can easily overestimate the gravity of a problem. This doesn’t mean that the challenges in your life don’t matter, but it illustrates how we can amplify the intensity of what we’re going through. In the six years since I graduated, I’ve dealt with countless new challenges, such as struggling to find a job, dealing with intense anxiety episodes, and witnessing the deterioration and loss of loved ones in my life. At the time, all things felt massive, and they were. Yet still, they all passed and faded into the background of my broader life story.

Lesson 2: Nobody really cares about you. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean.

Past me would never admit it, but I cared too much about what others thought about me, whether it be my family or classmates. I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time I felt slighted, insignificant, or as if I was a social outcast, I used it as fuel to succeed. I thought it was a healthy coping mechanism. However, looking back, I now realize that I am insignificant. We all are. We’re just a side character or an extra in someone else’s life story. Worrying about what others think isn’t worth the stress.

Whenever I had to give a class presentation, I always worried about embarrassing myself in front of my classmates. Six years later, I don’t even remember half of those classmates, nor do I remember what those presentations were about or where exactly I gave them. All my former classmates, whom I saw nearly every day for two years, have now dispersed worldwide and are living their own lives. I’ll likely never see most of them again.

Lesson 3: Things almost always work out in the long run, but not necessarily the way you plan.

I didn’t get into a PhD program, yet I’m so glad I didn’t. Initially, the rejection resulted in immense self-doubt after being unemployed for months and being told by a recruiter that I was barely worth above minimum wage despite having a Master’s degree with a 3.9 GPA while having two part-time jobs. However, that chapter also passed. By not getting into a PhD program, I got six extra years of living close to my family while forging and strengthening beautiful lifelong friendships. For two years, I was able to work for and help build a company that protects children. Now, I get paid really well to manage incredible people while working from home.

Only God could have scripted it this way. My ego wants to take the credit for how I rebounded from not getting into a PhD program, but the truth is that I didn’t plan any of this. I got recruited for my first and current jobs, and I only knew the companies existed once someone reached out to me on LinkedIn. It all worked out—it always does. We just need to have a little faith. Every failure in life creates the path for future success.

Lesson 4: Savor each moment and each experience, as it will never come back.

When stressed, we’re so focused on overcoming and getting past the obstacles that stand before us that we forget to appreciate the gifts that exist along the way. Because I wanted to get into a PhD program, I was so focused on trying to stand out and impress one of my professors that I missed countless opportunities to soak in his wisdom and savor his humility and kindness. Even though I’m back at my alma mater, sitting in the same library as I once did, I can no longer sit in on one of his classes as he passed away a few years ago.

As tempting as it can be to fast-forward the difficult moments in our lives, don’t press that button, as you’ll also miss out on the good parts.

Final words…

On my trip back to my alma mater, I met some old friends still in the area. Interestingly, very few of them are doing what they thought they would be doing six years ago, and none of them could have imagined their lives would be the way they are today. It made me realize that life is unpredictable, and rather than clinging to our own perception of how we think our life should be, it’s better to loosely make a plan and accept that it will change over and over again, and that’s okay. Along the way, all we can do is keep an open mind, have faith that things will work out, and try to appreciate each moment, no matter how bitter or sweet.

Navigating the unpredictability of life

When waking up in the morning, we hold an expectation for how the day will transpire (e.g., “I’ll drop the kids off to school, go to work, come back, have dinner with the wife and kids, call my dad,” etc.). Most of the time, our calculations are correct, but sometimes, something unexpected happens. It’s usually something small like getting a cold or your refrigerator stops working, but on rare occasions, it is something far more severe, such as a loved one expectedly ending up in the hospital or passing away. When something significant like that happens, it serves as a harsh reminder of how unpredictable life is and how little control we have. Time does heal these wounds as we gradually get back to “normal,” but we still carry with us the damage from the emotional trauma that we’ve endured. We’re told to have a five or a 10-year plan for life, but how do you do that when you don’t know what could happen? No one is exempt from these unexpected moments, but we can’t live our lives goalless and in fear.

How do you move forward?

Acceptance. We need to accept that this is a complex reality and a law of the universe. We’re a small fish in the ocean that can get swept up by a wave at any moment. However, we cannot let a fear of the unknown become a form of paralysis that inhibits us from living our lives. A fish still has to try to find food and avoid predators. It might get swept up by the ocean and face a hungry shark or find a nice meal and a safe place to rest.

Try, and you might fail. Don’t try, and you’ll definitely fail.

Gratitude. It’s important to be grateful and savor each boring and monotonous day. It’s easy to feel restless and trapped when living our lives and dealing with the myriad of responsibilities and expectations placed upon us. However, a dull day is a good day. Each day

Perspective. When dealing with small nuisances or when narrowly avoiding a disaster, it can be easy to overreact and hard to shake off the fear that comes with it. For example, last week, my grandmother fell in the bathtub, and while she managed to avoid a serious injury, I couldn’t help but get caught up in wondering what would have happened if she hit her head while falling. For a while, I was disturbed by this thought. By default, I jumped into solution-seeking mode and insisted my grandma get an anti-slip mat for the tub. I was trying to control the situation by exploring solutions to prevent this from happening again.

However, maybe she was just meant to have something like this happen to her, and not having an anti-slip mat was just an excuse. She could have fallen down the stairs or slipped outside on a snowy day while attending a doctor’s appointment. What would I have done then? If something’s meant to happen, it’s going to happen. When I recognized this, I decided to shift my focus. Instead of reflecting on what could have happened, I cultivated a mindset of gratitude and thanked God that she was fine.

Taming your fear. Fear is rooted in either a dependency or an attachment, and it rears its ugly head when something unexpected happens. For example, a child is emotionally and physically dependent on their parent. If something happens to the child (e.g., they get lost in a big store), it results in an overwhelming sense of fear. What will happen to me? How will I get home? What if I never find my mom? Once they find their mother, they will latch onto her and never want to let go. They’ll hug her, squeeze her hand tightly, and the next time they call her, if she doesn’t respond right away, they’ll relive that emotional trauma from when they were lost in the store.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it is healthy and beneficial for a child to always know where their parent is. However, we carry this type of mindset into adulthood, where it becomes counterproductive. Overbearing parents and clingy spouses are born from dependencies and attachments. For this, we need to practice a healthy detachment. This doesn’t mean you stop loving your family, but you have to be okay with letting go. You can’t bubble wrap all your loved ones and keep them in your sight 24/7.

Final words…

At the end of the day, we have to accept and get comfortable with the idea that life doesn’t go the way we plan it. In the blink of an eye, your life can change for the worse (or the better). While scary, recognizing that you have little control over your life can also be freeing. You’re not Superman, and you do not have to take on the responsibility of saving the universe. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean trying to do its job.

Defining your relationship with work

Most of us have a general idea of the kind of relationship that we want to have with work, and this is typically influenced by some combination of our upbringing, our current situation in life, and our inner voice (that part of you that naturally gets curious and excited about things). However, because we don’t take the time to clearly define what we want from work, we often make decisions and end up in situations that do not align with what we truly want. Without a clear personal philosophy on work, we’re susceptible to being influenced by what others want, decision paralysis, and clinging onto past ideals and philosophies that are no longer relevant in our current lives.

By clearly defining and constantly refining our personal philosophy and relationship with work, we can avoid falling into some of these traps. We can develop a framework that can help us:

Make key career decisions, such as whether to look for a new job or accept a job offer that pays less but offers a better work-life balance.
Put things into perspective, especially in moments of discontentment (e.g., helping you cool down and not overreact if your boss passes you up for a promotion)
Better understand how to make work work for us by identifying ways that work can enable success and fulfillment in our lives outside of work.

My personal work philosophy, a decade after graduating from college

Everyone’s personal work philosophy can and should look different, and it’ll evolve over time. About a decade removed from college, my career has taken twists and turns that I never expected, and I’m in a career and field far different from what I was pursuing in both my undergrad and graduate school. And yet, I’m perfectly content with that, as I’ve realized over time that I was never really chasing a specific career but a particular lifestyle and a certain set of values I could live by. Thankfully, life has taken me down a career path where this is still possible. Below is a list of principles that I’ve established for myself on work based on my own experiences and learnings:

Principle # 1: Work is a means to an end, not the end itself.

Many see work as their life’s main purpose, driven by the belief that “if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life.” When I was younger, I was of this mindset as well. If you’re going to work 40+ hours a week for the greater part of your life, it should be something that you find truly meaningful and purposeful, and it should be aligned with what you generally want to achieve.

However, over time, I’ve learned that this is a dangerous game to play, and it’s risky to put all your eggs in one basket, especially when so many things are outside your control. You can lose yourself in your work, especially when extrinsic rewards and other factors are tied to it (e.g., your ability to make ends meet and live a particular lifestyle). The external pressures can cause you to lose intrinsic motivation and passion for the things you love, which then turns into stress, apathy, and eventually burnout. Other times, you pursue your passion as a career only to realize that it’s not what you thought it would be.

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pursue your passion as a career or try to find a job that you enjoy. However, it’s important to not attach yourself to an idealized outcome. You might not end up in the career you originally wanted to be in, and that’s perfectly okay. Embrace the new opportunities in front of you. You might end up in the career you wanted, but it’s different from what you thought it would be. That’s okay, too. We need to keep an openness to life’s plan and remember that work is not the end.

Principle #2: Work should work for me.

I have to work, but work should serve me. Here is how I will know work is working for me:

Financial Security – My family is able to live a modest lifestyle, and we do not have to worry about how and where we are going to sleep or find our next meal.
Financial Opportunity – I can use the money I earn to fund some of my interests and ambitions outside of work. For example, I can take a family vacation a few times a year. I can save up enough money over time to start a business, pay for my kids’ college tuition, or donate to a cause I am invested in. However, this is a tricky one because you can blindly pursue this endlessly and reach a point where your hunger and desires become overwhelming. Some sub-principles that I consider:
- Live below your means so you can exit any work situation that becomes toxic and have a security net to fall back upon
- Don’t chase after empty things – no fancy car or latest phone model will make you happy.
- If you lose all the money you’ve earned (e.g., due to an emergency or something outside of your control) and don’t get to pursue any of these financial opportunities, you won’t regret the steps you took to accumulate that money.
Work helps me stay disciplined – This is an interesting one because work can help me stay disciplined outside of work. It forces me to go to sleep and wake up on time, and as a result, I’m more likely to do things like pray and meditate, go for a workout, read, stay on top of my chores, etc. In some ways, it serves as an anchor for me in my day-to-day life, and good behaviors become habitual. Interestingly enough, sometimes it is when I’m on vacation or during the weekends that I slip up more because I don’t have that structure or that extrinsic motivator to help me get going.

Principle #3: I want a flexible lifestyle and a healthy work-life balance.

What this looks like for me:

I generally choose my working hours; on average, I work a healthy number of hours.
- I’m evaluated against the output I’ve produced, not the number of hours I’ve worked (i.e., if I can get my work done more efficiently, I don’t have to sit there and pretend to keep working).
I can choose where I want to work (e.g., work from home in any state).
I can take time off from work, as needed or desired, to do whatever I want.
On average, I’m not stressed about work to the point where I’m thinking about work even when I’m not actively working. This does not prevent me from being able to focus on things outside of work.

Principle #4: Work functions as a practice ground that helps me develop skills outside of work

If you cannot find work you’re passionate about, you can at least find work that will help you develop skills that will help you in your life outside of work. For example, one of my personality flaws is that I am a people pleaser. I have an agreeable personality, which inhibits me from having honest conversations with my loved ones. This is true both at home and at work. However, ever since I’ve become a people manager, I’ve had to be a part of some tough conversations. It is a part of my job. As a result, I’ve had to go against my people-pleasing instinct and have these difficult conversations with my direct reports and coworkers.

We develop many skills at work that are transferrable to our life outside of work and vice versa. The good thing about work is that we can practice these skills, and the implications are far less severe if you get things wrong. You can fracture the relationship if you have a poor conversation with a loved one. However, what’s the worst that will happen if you have a poor conversation at work? You’ll get reprimanded? Work can help you develop a number of other skills, too, such as getting things done even when your heart is not in it, seeing things through completion, developing discipline, etc.

Principle # 5 – I want to work around people that I like and care about

If I’m going to spend a lot of time at work, it should be with people I like and care about. It makes working much easier. This is tricky, though, because, in almost any job, there will be people you like and dislike. I try not to over-index on this principle because I can compensate with meaningful relationships outside my work. However, it’s still important to be around people you respect and can tolerate at a minimum. For those that I dislike, I view it as an opportunity for me to practice principle #4 (i.e., the skill of patience)

Principle # 6 – My work shouldn’t conflict with my ability to practice my personal values

I never want to do work that goes against my personal values. This can be something that is strictly against my faith (e.g., wronging another person or doing something unethical), or it can be something that encourages me to go against the type of person that I strive to be (e.g., something that encourages me to be more egotistical, greedy, etc.). My view is that no matter how much I dislike my job, as long as I am still employed and receiving a paycheck, it is my duty to:

Do work honestly and to the best of my abilities (enough to be ‘meeting expectations’)
Never do anything unethical or questionable

Final words…

From early childhood, others tell us what we should want in our careers. First, it is our parents, then our teachers and schools, and eventually our employers. In the midst of all this, what gets lost is what we actually want. Without this clarity, we get stuck in the rat race, live most of our lives on autopilot, and default to chasing wealth and status, often disguising this pursuit as a quest for financial security and professional success. It is typically only in moments of extreme discontentment that we wake up and realize that something needs to change, and it is in those exact moments that we need to have a clearly defined personal philosophy on work to fall back on to regain control over our work life and find true fulfillment in this relationship.

The Hard Truths of Life

It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle of day-to-day life. With so much going on in our professional and personal lives, we are so consumed by what is right in front of us. We’re so immersed in what we are doing, and it is as if we are on autopilot. We’re going down a dangerous path when we operate like this. It’s easy for weeks, months, or years to go by where you’re on autopilot, and the moment you stop, you look back and wonder where all that precious time went that you are never going to get back. It’s important to pause from time to time to remind ourselves of the hard truths of life so that we can stop living on autopilot and control where we want to go:

Truth #1:

We will all die, and it might be much sooner than you expect and much less pleasant than you wish. Don’t think anything in your future is guaranteed, not even the next hour.

Truth #2:

Everyone around you, everyone you love or hate, is also going to die, and it also might be sooner than you expect.

Truth #3:

Everything is temporary, whether it be people or possessions. Death will take everything you have accumulated, but things can be taken from you much sooner than that, no matter how hard you worked or how much you love it. It’s yours, but it is also not. It is borrowed, and you must eventually return it, potentially without any advance notice.

Truth #4:

You can enjoy what you’ve been given (family, friends, success, fame, fortune, possessions), but again, remember it can and will be taken away from you (or you from it). Attaching yourself to it or refusing to let go will only cause you to suffer.

Truth #5: We operate under a logic (e.g., we do good, good will happen to us. We work hard, we will be rewarded), but this logic is false. There may be a logic that exists, but it’s not something we can necessarily comprehend or understand.

Accepting these truths and moving forward:

Acknowledging these truths can be extremely crippling (because you realize how little you control) or extremely liberating (because you realize how little you control). If you find it crippling, you’re riding against (or trying to control) the waves of life. If you find it liberating, you realize that you can’t control the ocean, so instead, you go with the ups and downs of life, accept both the calm and turbulent moments, and learn how to surf and go with the flow.

It can be easy to reject these truths for those who are externally thriving and have fame, fortune, or status because our ego gets in the way. Furthermore, we’re afraid and don’t want to accept that we may lose everything we have. For those struggling, this can provide solace as we remember that our suffering is temporary and that no one is above these laws. Furthermore, we can provide our egos some comfort knowing that the universe operates under a different logic than we are used to, which means that our inability to thrive externally may not be our fault.

Final words…

As you go about your day, think about these truths. How do they fit into your life? If you’re thriving, don’t attach yourself to this feeling — it will pass. If you’re struggling, don’t lose hope — this too shall pass. We only have a finite amount of time in this world, so be careful what you do with it.