For the longest time, I’ve been enamored with the idea of the ideal self, a fictional version of myself that represents the type of person I want to be. A person that is kind, loving, patient, resilient, disciplined, focused, [insert endless list of positive traits]. More often than not, this is just a fleeting thought, and I joyfully live my life in ignorance, on autopilot, and a slave to my environment, my conditioned habits, and my impulses. However, on occasion, this tiny voice inside the back of my head starts to yell at me, and it tries to make me feel guilty for living how I do. This voice tends to get more prominent when something happens in my life, whether at work or home, that causes a level of discontentment. For a short period of time, this voice tells me:

You need to take accountability and ownership over your life. If you want things to change and get out of living your life on autopilot, you have to be the driver of that change. You can’t sit and wait for the right opportunity or circumstance because it doesn’t exist. Besides, you don’t have the best track record with navigating favorable circumstances. Do something! Make the change, make the push!

In most cases, this voice, what I like to call the voice of the ideal self, depresses me because it reminds me how far I am from being an idealized version of myself. It reminds me of past failures and struggles that I’ve had with changing and trying to be a better person. Due to my questionable coping mechanisms when faced with an unpleasant emotion, about 3/4 of the time, when this voice yells at me, I try to distract myself from it. I do something to get my mind off of it, do something to suppress that voice and let it calm down. Most of the time, I’m successful in doing that, and I’m able to go back to the status quo until the next thing upsets me.

However, the other 25% of the time, I get a little motivated and inspired. I say to myself, “Yeah, you know what, let’s change. Let’s do something. I’m going to try something. I’m going to hit the gym tomorrow, wake up at 5 in the morning, be more mindful throughout the day, [insert list of activities that will magically turn my life around].”

When I’m motivated, it helps me get through a few repetitions. I might string together a few successful days or even weeks of enacting change. However, the problem with motivation is that it comes, and then it goes. It’s not a sustainable anchor, and once the motivation wanes, any positive change is undone at the first sight of adversity. It takes just one tough situation, and I give up. I get disappointed, so the voice of the ideal self comes back. However, this time (because of my questionable coping skills), I distract myself and go back to being blissfully ignorant and on autopilot.

And this cycle has been going on for years.

After piling on years and years of failed attempts to improve, there is just one small positive thing I can take away from it all; at least I’ve developed the wisdom and awareness that this is just how I am. That’s it. I can see it when it’s happening, as it is happening, and I don’t get as disappointed when I fail because I’m expecting to fail.

….

A few weeks ago, the ideal self started talking to me. Once again, it came after I was upset about something that I don’t even remember (that’s a lie, I do remember). This time, I was feeling motivated. The only difference this time was that I wasn’t delusional about the fact that this wouldn’t be a smooth ride. As a matter of fact, I know that I am going to fail. The motivation will go, adversity will hit, and I will fail. The only question that I am not sure about yet, is, will I get back up?

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my past failures. I’ve been trying to anticipate what is going to make me fail and have been trying to put measures in place to proactively address and account for it. I know I won’t be able to account for everything, but can I at least account for the obvious things I have tripped up on millions of times in the past? If I can do that, I will still fail… but at least it will be a new set of failures and challenges. I’m not going to win the whole game, but can I at least get past level 1 and get to level 2…that is the goal.

A few weeks in, and so far, I’m still chugging along. The process is not glorious. What keeps me going, though, is knowing that the only other option is to go back to the way things were, a slave to my laziness and impulses. It’s easier, but easier doesn’t mean better. Easier doesn’t mean happier.