A reflection after succeeding, and then failing

One of the most debilitating and demoralizing feelings is asking yourself, “How did I get here… again?” We think about life and our goals as a set of progressions where we keep stepping forward and making progress over time. For example, when you’re trying to lose weight, you think about how you’ll lose 1-2 pounds a week until you reach your target weight. What you’re not thinking about is all the fluctuations and setbacks in your journey or how you’ll respond if you lose 10 lbs… and then gain it all back. When climbing a mountain, your focus is just on how to get to the top. But what do you do when you’re over halfway there, you fall, and now you have to start all over again? Does that make the climb a failure? Will you start over again?

A reflection after succeeding… and then failing…

About six months ago, I embarked on a journey to become a more idealized version of myself. I reached a point of frustration with how I was living my life, and I was committed to enacting positive change. I started getting up at 5 am, meditating for 30+ minutes daily, playing basketball, losing weight, blogging, and more. I had taken on so much, and it was not easy, but I kept trying to motivate myself by telling myself that the discomfort of building all these habits was better than the discomfort of living a gluttonous and hedonistic lifestyle. One day, in an effort to give myself a pep talk, I wrote a blog post on the struggle to be better, where I documented this sentiment. I also made a prediction which came true:

I know that I am going to fail. The motivation will go, adversity will hit, and I will fail.

Part of me believed this as I wrote this, but another part hoped this could be a powerful line in a blog post that I could happily reflect on and say, “Well, I was wrong.”

I was not wrong. I succeeded in the first 3-4 months, but I undid all my progress in the last two months. I sit here as I write this, asking myself, “How did I get here… again?”

Why I failed.

Who knows? That’s the honest answer. However, a few things that do come to mind:

I went too hard and too fast (burnout). The faster you go up, the harder you’ll come down. One problem was that I took on too much all at once. Even in past blog posts, you’ll notice that I embraced this idea of tolerating discomfort and somewhat adopting a mantra of ‘no pain, no gain.’ I still stand by it when I say that embracing this kind of mindset is a great motivator in the short term. It is also rooted in the reality that good things are difficult to obtain. However, over time, that mindset wears on you. If you’re juggling too many things at once, your mind or body will give in at some point. Over time, things should get easier as these behaviors turn into habits. If they keep getting harder, that’s a red flag that you’re doing too much at once.
I was too rigid and afraid to fail, and I didn’t know how to take breaks. I couldn’t differentiate between being disciplined and being too rigid. I thought it was a sign of discipline when I woke up at 5 am every day. There were days when I would sleep late, but I forced myself out of bed at 5 am, no matter what. I thought this was discipline. I did not want to break this habit because if I snoozed one day and woke up at 7 am, it would create a vicious cycle of falling asleep late and waking up after 5 am. The problem was that doing this accumulated an insurmountable sleep debt. This not only made it harder to get up each morning, but it also impacted my other goals. I was too afraid to experiment because I didn’t know how to find the right balance and take a break.
I was never satisfied and was targeting the wrong goals. I was nearly 10 pounds lighter, my waist was several inches smaller, and I fitted in a smaller shirt size, and yet I’d look at myself in the mirror and think I hadn’t lost anything. The insecurities didn’t go away. Similarly, I had a healthier work-life balance with work and made a good salary, but it didn’t feel like it was enough. This made me realize that goals like weight loss, work-based goals, fighting addictions, etc… these goals might improve our health or status, but they don’t always improve the quality of our lives because they don’t target the root issues that make us unhappy. This is why, for example, many people give up one addiction but then become addicted to something else. They’re playing whack-a-mole but not targeting the root emotional or spiritual cause.

Simply put, I never really found the right balance with my goals. I adopted all-or-none thinking, so when the circumstances were favorable, I went all-in to the point of exhaustion and burnout. However, the moment the circumstances became unfavorable (e.g., when traveling for work), I adopted the “none” thinking and completely let myself go. Furthermore, my measures of success were mainly extrinsically based, and the goals I set didn’t give me the peace and joy I had desired, but that was because the goals didn’t address the root challenges I faced in my life.

Getting back up with some lessons learned…

Success is not linear. However, if success is not linear, it also means that setbacks are not failures. They’re just a part of the process. I may have to start from level one again, but at least I made it to level two. I also know how to get there and what traps to avoid to progress beyond that level. Some of the things I will try differently:

Change the focus from trying to win the game to maximizing what you can do with the cards you’ve been dealt. To win a game or achieve a goal, so much depends on factors outside of your control. If your only goal is to win, you’ll often be miserable and disappointed. What is in your control is to try to do what you can with whatever circumstance you’re facing. This fundamentally changes the criteria for success.
Set deeper-rooted emotional and spiritual goals that target living a more fulfilling, peaceful, and purposeful life (rather than surface-level goals that only address the symptoms). Neither your physique nor your job title will make you feel better about yourself. These are patchwork solutions. It doesn’t mean that you ignore these things, but you’re setting yourself up for failure if you think these things will solve your life problems.
Listen to yourself. It can be difficult to distinguish between laziness, fatigue, and personal limitations. You have to listen carefully to your mind and body to do this.
Find the grey area. One of my ‘deeper-rooted emotional and spiritual goals’ is to overcome my all-or-none thinking. There is always a middle ground or a balance. The grey area is a spectrum where two things can be true simultaneously. I can be content with my current state while acknowledging there is more to be done. Small wins do count in the grey area, and taking breaks is okay.

The Unpredictability of Life: Looking Back Six Years

Six years ago, I sat in this exact spot at the library of my graduate school, sipping an Americano—just as I am today. In the past, I was worried about finishing my final exams and papers while simultaneously hoping to get a call to interview for a PhD program. I was so caught up and overwhelmed by the unknowns, the what-ifs, and the volume of things I had to do. Everything seemed so important, and the implications were massive. Ever since I was in high school, I told everyone that I would get a PhD in Psychology. I resisted the cultural and familial pressures to pursue a degree in medicine or engineering, and getting into a PhD program would validate that decision. However, without it, what would I do? I had so many questions — Do I look for a job? Do I apply again next year? What will others say? Today, though, I sit here with answers to those questions and many lessons learned.

Lessons learned six years later

Lesson 1: When in the middle of it, every problem in your life feels like a big problem. However, in the grand scheme, it’s just a small chapter in your life.

Our brains can process 11 million bits of information every second, yet our conscious minds can handle only 40-50 bits per second. Therefore, our conscious mind can only see a fraction of the whole equation, and it can easily overestimate the gravity of a problem. This doesn’t mean that the challenges in your life don’t matter, but it illustrates how we can amplify the intensity of what we’re going through. In the six years since I graduated, I’ve dealt with countless new challenges, such as struggling to find a job, dealing with intense anxiety episodes, and witnessing the deterioration and loss of loved ones in my life. At the time, all things felt massive, and they were. Yet still, they all passed and faded into the background of my broader life story.

Lesson 2: Nobody really cares about you. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean.

Past me would never admit it, but I cared too much about what others thought about me, whether it be my family or classmates. I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time I felt slighted, insignificant, or as if I was a social outcast, I used it as fuel to succeed. I thought it was a healthy coping mechanism. However, looking back, I now realize that I am insignificant. We all are. We’re just a side character or an extra in someone else’s life story. Worrying about what others think isn’t worth the stress.

Whenever I had to give a class presentation, I always worried about embarrassing myself in front of my classmates. Six years later, I don’t even remember half of those classmates, nor do I remember what those presentations were about or where exactly I gave them. All my former classmates, whom I saw nearly every day for two years, have now dispersed worldwide and are living their own lives. I’ll likely never see most of them again.

Lesson 3: Things almost always work out in the long run, but not necessarily the way you plan.

I didn’t get into a PhD program, yet I’m so glad I didn’t. Initially, the rejection resulted in immense self-doubt after being unemployed for months and being told by a recruiter that I was barely worth above minimum wage despite having a Master’s degree with a 3.9 GPA while having two part-time jobs. However, that chapter also passed. By not getting into a PhD program, I got six extra years of living close to my family while forging and strengthening beautiful lifelong friendships. For two years, I was able to work for and help build a company that protects children. Now, I get paid really well to manage incredible people while working from home.

Only God could have scripted it this way. My ego wants to take the credit for how I rebounded from not getting into a PhD program, but the truth is that I didn’t plan any of this. I got recruited for my first and current jobs, and I only knew the companies existed once someone reached out to me on LinkedIn. It all worked out—it always does. We just need to have a little faith. Every failure in life creates the path for future success.

Lesson 4: Savor each moment and each experience, as it will never come back.

When stressed, we’re so focused on overcoming and getting past the obstacles that stand before us that we forget to appreciate the gifts that exist along the way. Because I wanted to get into a PhD program, I was so focused on trying to stand out and impress one of my professors that I missed countless opportunities to soak in his wisdom and savor his humility and kindness. Even though I’m back at my alma mater, sitting in the same library as I once did, I can no longer sit in on one of his classes as he passed away a few years ago.

As tempting as it can be to fast-forward the difficult moments in our lives, don’t press that button, as you’ll also miss out on the good parts.

Final words…

On my trip back to my alma mater, I met some old friends still in the area. Interestingly, very few of them are doing what they thought they would be doing six years ago, and none of them could have imagined their lives would be the way they are today. It made me realize that life is unpredictable, and rather than clinging to our own perception of how we think our life should be, it’s better to loosely make a plan and accept that it will change over and over again, and that’s okay. Along the way, all we can do is keep an open mind, have faith that things will work out, and try to appreciate each moment, no matter how bitter or sweet.

An undervalued skill: Tolerating discomfort

We are programmed with a desire to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. When we find something pleasurable (e.g., a food, an activity, an experience), we seek more of it. Over time, we may even become attached and addicted. On the flip side, if we find something unpleasant, we develop an aversion. Our natural inclination is to gravitate towards the pleasant experiences in life while trying to minimize the unpleasant experiences. It is the path of least resistance.

As we all know, though, the most fruitful things in life rarely come without pain. Building good habits, successful careers, and deep relationships requires facing discomfort. In the face of challenges, we’re often told to be resilient and gritty. While true, there’s one skill that is a prerequisite to it all: the ability to tolerate discomfort.

Discomfort and pain are normal.

Our animalistic instincts tell us that pain is a threat and a signal that something is wrong. This instinct protects us. For example, if we touch something burning hot, pain tells us to pull away. As humans though, we’ve expanded this understanding of pain beyond physical pain to include emotional and spiritual pains. When we feel sad or anxious, society often treats these feelings as problems we must fix. We’re asked, “What’s wrong?” or usually told, “Don’t be upset,” as if it is not normal to experience negative emotions.

The problem lies in our glorification of happiness, where we view it as a pursuit that can help us achieve a constant state of bliss, free from all pain and suffering. Therefore, whenever we encounter pain, we get overwhelmed and assume that something is wrong. I have an interview for my dream job but feel anxious, so something must be wrong. I haven’t figured something out. It’s been six months since my father passed away, but I still think about him and miss him everyday. Why can’t I just get over it?

However, pain and discomfort are a part of the human experience. To deny or avoid them is to deny what it means to be human. Pain, in itself, is neither good nor bad. It is just a sensation or feeling. is not good or bad. It’s just a sensation or feeling. It is only when we label it that it becomes good or bad.

Embracing pain and discomfort.

“We are born in pain, we die in pain. Pain pervades this world.”

~ Guru Nanak Dev Ji

An undervalued skill is accepting that discomfort is a natural part of life. Rather than running away from discomfort, we should lean into it. Embracing pain doesn’t mean you are actively seeking it out, but it means developing an understanding that it is a companion on the journey to growth. Adopting this mindset can free us from suffering and unlock endless opportunities in our lives. To be free doesn’t mean we’re immune to pain. It just means we’ve accepted it. Consider childbirth — perhaps the greatest miracle and blessing in the world, and yet it is accompanied by excruciating pain.

“Pain is the medicine, and pleasure the disease.”

~ Guru Nanak Dev Ji

In the pursuit of a meaningful life, pain can be an asset. It can motivate us to strive for greatness and build lasting positive changes in our lives. Conversely, unchecked pleasure can lead to complacency. Think of stories where you were at your best. Most likely, they began with adversity and challenge. Rarely do we find the best versions of ourselves in moments of ease and comfort.

When you create an openness to pain in your heart and mind, you’ll notice that pain and pleasure are closely intertwined, not polar opposites. The lines between pain and pleasure become blurry. Many times, pain becomes a source of pleasure. It becomes a source of satisfaction, a badge of honor you wear, and something that signals hard work and dedication.

Final words…

Tolerating discomfort isn’t just valuable for achieving long-term goals but a skill that can serve us in our day-to-day lives. If you feel sad because your friend canceled your dinner plans, it’s okay to feel that way. It’s a normal human response. Nothing is wrong. However, once you accept and acknowledge that, something remarkable happens. It loosens its grip on you. It’s as if your mind isn’t seeking a solution but is merely seeking permission to feel the way it does.

Pain is not always an abnormality or a problem that needs to be solved. It’s a common feeling. Accept it. Embrace it.

The Illusion of Success

As a society, we’ve built up a particular image of what success looks like, often glorifying it rather than sharing its true nature. Content creators know that what sells is sharing the “before” and “after” images of success. It is the bait that hooks you. The before is relatable, and it motivates you to consume more content to learn how to enact change in your own life. The problem is that these stories are told in hindsight, from the perspective of when success has already been achieved. They’re not told from the perspective of someone riddled with self-doubt and doesn’t know if they’ll reach that “after” image, with their track record suggesting that they will not. As a result, we get fed a story where success looks smooth and linear, with the constant failures, pain, and suffering left out.

How this distorted image of success sets us up for failure

When we see a polished version of someone’s success story, we assume that if we follow the same steps as this individual, the path to success will be easier than it looks. We develop these unrealistic expectations. As a result, when we go down this path toward success and are hit with adversity, we begin to doubt ourselves.

It’s harder than it looked like in that story, so I must be doing something wrong.

Once people hit this point, they will usually do one of three things:

Give up
Push further, hit adversity again, and then give up
Consume more content, try something different, hit adversity, and give up.

The problem is that nobody tells you that failure and struggle are not signs of inadequacy but are part of the process.

What success actually looks like

Let’s take an example of early risers. I’ve always been told that successful people get up early in the morning and are highly productive. They’ve already achieved the day’s most important tasks before others have even woken up.

The morning routine of a high-achiever

I get up promptly at 5 in the morning before the sun rises. I grab my green tea and spend the first hour of my morning on my patio, soaking up the fresh air and writing down five things I am grateful for and the three most important things I want to accomplish today. The first hour of my morning is sacred and dedicated to setting my intentions for the day, so I avoid using any technology. Afterward, with a clear and relaxed mind, I meditate for at least thirty minutes. This practice grounds me and ensures I start each day with clarity and purpose. Afterward, I head to the gym for a balanced blend of cardio and strength training. Once I come back, I have a refreshing and filling matcha latte with almond milk and an organic plant-based protein powder. After I’m done taking a shower, I dive into the list that I made earlier and finish it before noon.

Although it’s a little much for me, I’d be thrilled if my morning was like this.

Because this idea of a ‘perfect morning routine’ has been ingrained in me for years, I also set out to wake up before sunrise.

The morning routine of someone trying to become a high-achiever

The night before, I set up three alarms, one for 5am, one for 5:07am, and one for 5:10am. I almost always snooze the first one but eventually force myself up by 5:10am. I first grab my coffee with half and half and spend the first hour of my morning on my bed, drinking my coffee while trying to stay awake and waiting for the sleep inertia to wear off. I’ll scroll my phone, often watching random YouTube videos. Once the coffee has kicked in and I’m confident I won’t fall back asleep, I’ll start to meditate. The first 15 minutes of meditation aren’t too bad, but for the last 15, I start to get pretty restless and sometimes a bit cranky. By the time my alarm rings, I usually sigh a sigh of relief that I’m done and just want to stretch for a minute because my body feels so tense from sitting for so long. I’ll go downstairs and do some journaling, but sometimes my heart is not in it because I’m still pretty tired. I eventually muster up the energy to go for a workout. I’ve really only been focused on cardio because it’s what I know, and I am intimated by the idea of going to a gym to lift weights in front of people who are much stronger than I am. I am completely exhausted when I get back from working out. I sluggishly force myself into the shower, which feels like a big chore. Once I get out, I usually look to have a quick breakfast. Once in a while, I’ll have a protein shake and dump some powder into milk, but I’ll usually just have some boiled eggs with a slice of bread and butter. I’m still pretty hungry afterward, but I try not to eat anymore since I’m trying to trim a few pounds. Instead, I’ll just have a hot beverage. Afterward, I start my work but often feel like I’m playing catch up all day.

Even in my retelling and personal account of waking up at 5am, I’m glorifying it. This is what my morning is like when I actually manage to get up. After doing this for about a month, at least once a week or so, I’ll usually get up, grab my coffee, and go right back asleep for 15-20 minutes.

Over time, I’ve learned that ‘success’ kind of sucks. It’s full of setbacks, self-doubt, and pain. This is the reality of success.

If success sucks, why pursue it anyways?

I’ve had to ask myself this time and time again. I can only speak for myself, but two things keep me going:

The pursuit of success, despite being hard and painful, is still more pleasurable than accepting mediocrity. At the end of the day, at least I’m trying, and that’s something to be proud of.
There is a pleasure that comes from pain. The only way I can describe this is through an example. You go workout for 30 minutes. You workout for just 30 minutes a few times a week, and all week, you’re sore, yet you don’t see a damn difference when you look in the mirror. Your muscles are aching, you’re a step slower in everything you do, and sometimes, just getting up from a sitting position feels daunting. And yet, every time you get up and feel that pain, you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment and want to give yourself a pat on the back. I worked out, heck yeah! The same goes for anything you do. You don’t feel this every day, but when you feel it, it feels incredible.

Final words…

We’ve been conditioned to view success as this smooth and linear progression from ‘before’ to ‘after,’ often presented by content creators trying to get more viewers and subscribers. However, these success stories don’t just come from Youtubers and social media influencers but also from our own social circles, where our families and friends will share their achievements while glossing over the setbacks and painful moments.

We live in a culture where success is glorified and adversity is considered ugly, so we omit those parts of the story altogether. However, success cannot exist without adversity, and nor can it exist without failure. When we internalize this and normalize failure and struggle as part of the path to success, it frees us from the expectation that we must live up to this unrealistic image. Consequently, it increases the likelihood that we will, in fact, succeed.