Mind, Body, and Spirit (Part 1 – The Spirit)

Note: This is part one of a multi-post blog series exploring the connection between the mind, body, and spirit.

We often hear of the mind, the body, and the spirit as separate concepts that are somehow connected. From my own experience, I’ve noticed that this relationship runs deep, as the health of one is dependent on the health of the others. I like to think of the mind, the body, and the spirit as parts of a tree. The concept of a tree does not exist without a trunk; similarly, we do not exist without a body. However, what makes a tree truly special are its branches and leaves. This is similar to the human mind, which can think, reason, and be creative. Without this unique mental capacity, a human is no different than any other animal. All that said, there is one other part of the tree that is unseen but nourishes and serves as the foundation of the trunk and the branches, which are the roots. For us, this unseen essence of who we are that nurtures our mind and body is our spirit.

What is the spirit?

Society seems to neglect the spirit the most, perhaps because we understand it the least. We see and feel the body every day, and we endlessly converse with the mind, but what does the spirit do? What is the spirit? The spirit is the unseeable essence that gives us our breath and life; a body without a spirit is just a corpse. Like the roots of a tree, it is connected to the same soil that nourishes and gives life to all of creation. This is why we feel an intrinsic desire to connect with something greater than ourselves, whether with other people, animals, or nature. It is also why we always feel empty when we pursue a hedonistic lifestyle, one that focuses primarily on the self and maximizing pleasure. The spirit defines our purpose, connects us to the greater universe, and it represents the purest and most idealized version of ourselves.

The power of the spirit

What makes the spirit so powerful is that it is not bound by the limits of the mind or the body. The most prevalent example is a mother who can lift a car to save her trapped child. This miraculous feat defies the logic and limits of the body, yet examples of this have been documented several times. Not only does this suggest that we are capable of more than we think, but it also suggests that we must have access to power and strength far greater than our own. If you pour a glass of water from the river into your garden, it will only nourish a small area. However, if you could channel the river itself, it could nourish an entire forest.

To channel the strength and nourishment that allows us and those around us to flourish, we must merge ourselves and connect with the greater divine universal power, the source from which the spirit originates. In other words, we need to develop a strong connection with this universal force that created us, God Himself. However, it is not just about pleasing some Supreme Being that lives in the clouds, but it is about living a virtuous life, beyond the self, that nourishes the seeds that our Creator has planted deep within us — the seeds of love, compassion, truthfulness, humility, and contentment.

The end goal of the spirit is a humble one. It is not to channel some supernatural power or strength but to set a strong foundation for the body and mind to be built upon, which can help us find inner peace and happiness.

Freeing the spirit

If you ask someone what they want from life, even those with endless wealth, you’ll almost always hear everyone say they just want to be happy and free. If you take what they say at face value, it makes little sense. You have a roof over your head, all the food you can eat, and you can do what you want when you want it, so how can you say you are not free? The problem is that we look at this problem with an external lens when, in actuality, both the captor and the prisoner (the spirit) lie within. The spirit is bound and entangled in worldly illusions and attachments that make us feel as if we are not free. The root of the things that often keep us bound are not our careers, our families, or some external oppressors, but it is internal oppressors and criminals such as our ego, pride, and anger.

For example, imagine you have a family member coming over to your home for a visit. Some people will tidy up as a courtesy to make their guests feel welcome, while others will go beyond that and feel the need for everything to be perfect. They think their home is a reflection of them, and they don’t want to be viewed as slobs. Both individuals try to achieve the same goal, but the person who feels their home reflects them is likely to be more stressed and anxious because they’ve attached their sense of self-worth to how others perceive their home. The stress doesn’t come from the family member visiting but from the ego’s need for validation and approval, alongside a fear of judgment.

For our spirit to be truly free, we must strip ourselves of this illusion that external things will free us from the barriers that lie within. Once the spirit detangles from what is truly holding it captive (the ego, pride, anger, lust, greed), we can cultivate an inner environment that nourishes the seeds of virtues that will help us unlock the transformative power of the spirit.

Final words…

“Make your mind the farmer, good deeds the farm, modesty the water, and your body the field. Let the Lord’s Name be the seed, contentment the plow, and your humility the fence. Doing deeds of love, the seed shall sprout, and you shall see your home flourish.”

~ Guru Granth Sahib Ji

The spirit is the essence that gives life to our body. We rarely give it the attention it deserves because it is the most mysterious and challenging to comprehend. Many may even question the very existence of the spirit or the soul. However, deep down, we know that something within us goes beyond our flesh. We cannot see it, but like the wind, we feel it. Like gravity, we may not be aware of its presence in our everyday lives, and yet, when there is even a slight change in gravitational force, its existence becomes evident.

The spirit serves as the bedrock for the mind and body, helps define our unique purpose, and connects us with the rest of the universe. It is not bound by the limitations of the mind and body, but we often cannot unlock the full power of the spirit as we are trapped by inner criminals such as our ego, pride, and greed. These criminals create a hostile environment and prevent the seeds of contentment, humility, and love from blossoming. As a result, we feel an inner void and emptiness despite having fulfilled all our extrinsic desires. When we feel this emptiness, these criminals convince us that the solution is to fill it with more extrinsic desires, as they fear that we will wage a war against them if we look within. Despite falling into this trap repeatedly, we can and will overcome it. The spirit is strong. We have the support of the Divine. However, we must not waste away this precious human life. The urgency to free the spirit is now because we don’t know if tomorrow will be our last day.

The hidden solution: Acceptance

Every lock has a key; similarly, every problem has a solution. When we encounter obstacles in our lives, our default response, in many cases, is to move into solution-seeking mode, trying to search for ways to fix what’s wrong. As we’ve all experienced, though, every now and then, we’ll encounter a problem that seems unsolvable despite our best efforts, leaving us feeling stuck. For example, you might feel stuck in a challenging relationship or a career with limited upward mobility. In these situations, it’s easy to get frustrated or feel helpless. However, there’s one solution available to us that we should always keep in our back pocket– acceptance.

Misconceptions and barriers to acceptance

There’s often a negative connotation that comes with acceptance. We think of it as something we’re forced into because we have no other choice. We associate it with powerlessness as if there’s a giant wall in front of us, and we decide to sit beside it and accept that we’ll never get past it. However, acceptance is more about clarity than surrender. You’re stepping back to see what the wall looks like and acknowledging its presence rather than blindly walking forward and colliding with it in frustration. Here are two common barriers to acceptance:

Feeling that acceptance is giving up or admitting defeat. Instead, you’re being realistic and acknowledging the limitations that exist at this moment in your life. In reality, we control much less than we think we control in our lives. For example, we can control how we prepare for a job interview but can’t control whether we’ll get an offer. Once you accept the things outside your control, it frees you up and allows you to invest that energy into things you can control. You’re making a calculated decision forward.
Blaming yourself or others. A common coping mechanism in trying to accept a suboptimal circumstance is looking for a cause or reason. Internally, a part of us feels that if we can identify the culprit, we can find a solution. However, this only gives us a false sense of control. You can blame the drivers in front of you for why you’ll be late for your doctor’s appointment, but it won’t change the fact that you will be late. The longer you spend in frustration or self-victimization, the longer it will take to experience the relief and freedom that comes from true acceptance.

What is acceptance?

Acceptance is a choice. It’s not just resigning yourself to your fate. It is a conscious decision that you are making. You’re relinquishing control of the circumstance to regain control of your life. For example, if you’re stuck in a disengaging job because you cannot find another job, you can choose to continue to be stressed and frustrated with the job market, or you can accept that it will take time and refocus your energy on recrafting your work or finding purpose outside of your work. You keep looking for jobs but stop checking your email ten times a day, hoping you landed an interview. You are choosing to invest that energy elsewhere.

Acceptance is freeing yourself from your own expectations. It’s about letting go of our expectations for how things should be and how others should act and even letting go of our expectations of ourselves. We tend to struggle with this the most when the barrier lies within. It’s easier to free ourselves from and accept external barriers (e.g., your flight gets canceled) because we can tell ourselves it was out of our hands. However, when it’s an internal barrier, such as being unable to speak up to a parent, we think we should be able to do something about it. In actuality, though, even in those situations, things are often outside our control (e.g., childhood upbringing and power dynamics that have created psychological barriers). Let go of the expectation that things should be a certain way.

Final words…

When we think about the five stages of grief, it is only when we reach acceptance that we find true closure. However, the utility of acceptance goes beyond grief; you can apply it to almost any challenge in life. It lets you let go of the thoughts and emotions holding you back and frees up your mental energy to find contentment and focus on something else. When you accept your circumstances and free yourself from your judgment, you realize that it is not the anchor that is holding you back, but it is you who is unwilling to let go of the anchor.

The Unpredictability of Life: Looking Back Six Years

Six years ago, I sat in this exact spot at the library of my graduate school, sipping an Americano—just as I am today. In the past, I was worried about finishing my final exams and papers while simultaneously hoping to get a call to interview for a PhD program. I was so caught up and overwhelmed by the unknowns, the what-ifs, and the volume of things I had to do. Everything seemed so important, and the implications were massive. Ever since I was in high school, I told everyone that I would get a PhD in Psychology. I resisted the cultural and familial pressures to pursue a degree in medicine or engineering, and getting into a PhD program would validate that decision. However, without it, what would I do? I had so many questions — Do I look for a job? Do I apply again next year? What will others say? Today, though, I sit here with answers to those questions and many lessons learned.

Lessons learned six years later

Lesson 1: When in the middle of it, every problem in your life feels like a big problem. However, in the grand scheme, it’s just a small chapter in your life.

Our brains can process 11 million bits of information every second, yet our conscious minds can handle only 40-50 bits per second. Therefore, our conscious mind can only see a fraction of the whole equation, and it can easily overestimate the gravity of a problem. This doesn’t mean that the challenges in your life don’t matter, but it illustrates how we can amplify the intensity of what we’re going through. In the six years since I graduated, I’ve dealt with countless new challenges, such as struggling to find a job, dealing with intense anxiety episodes, and witnessing the deterioration and loss of loved ones in my life. At the time, all things felt massive, and they were. Yet still, they all passed and faded into the background of my broader life story.

Lesson 2: Nobody really cares about you. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean.

Past me would never admit it, but I cared too much about what others thought about me, whether it be my family or classmates. I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time I felt slighted, insignificant, or as if I was a social outcast, I used it as fuel to succeed. I thought it was a healthy coping mechanism. However, looking back, I now realize that I am insignificant. We all are. We’re just a side character or an extra in someone else’s life story. Worrying about what others think isn’t worth the stress.

Whenever I had to give a class presentation, I always worried about embarrassing myself in front of my classmates. Six years later, I don’t even remember half of those classmates, nor do I remember what those presentations were about or where exactly I gave them. All my former classmates, whom I saw nearly every day for two years, have now dispersed worldwide and are living their own lives. I’ll likely never see most of them again.

Lesson 3: Things almost always work out in the long run, but not necessarily the way you plan.

I didn’t get into a PhD program, yet I’m so glad I didn’t. Initially, the rejection resulted in immense self-doubt after being unemployed for months and being told by a recruiter that I was barely worth above minimum wage despite having a Master’s degree with a 3.9 GPA while having two part-time jobs. However, that chapter also passed. By not getting into a PhD program, I got six extra years of living close to my family while forging and strengthening beautiful lifelong friendships. For two years, I was able to work for and help build a company that protects children. Now, I get paid really well to manage incredible people while working from home.

Only God could have scripted it this way. My ego wants to take the credit for how I rebounded from not getting into a PhD program, but the truth is that I didn’t plan any of this. I got recruited for my first and current jobs, and I only knew the companies existed once someone reached out to me on LinkedIn. It all worked out—it always does. We just need to have a little faith. Every failure in life creates the path for future success.

Lesson 4: Savor each moment and each experience, as it will never come back.

When stressed, we’re so focused on overcoming and getting past the obstacles that stand before us that we forget to appreciate the gifts that exist along the way. Because I wanted to get into a PhD program, I was so focused on trying to stand out and impress one of my professors that I missed countless opportunities to soak in his wisdom and savor his humility and kindness. Even though I’m back at my alma mater, sitting in the same library as I once did, I can no longer sit in on one of his classes as he passed away a few years ago.

As tempting as it can be to fast-forward the difficult moments in our lives, don’t press that button, as you’ll also miss out on the good parts.

Final words…

On my trip back to my alma mater, I met some old friends still in the area. Interestingly, very few of them are doing what they thought they would be doing six years ago, and none of them could have imagined their lives would be the way they are today. It made me realize that life is unpredictable, and rather than clinging to our own perception of how we think our life should be, it’s better to loosely make a plan and accept that it will change over and over again, and that’s okay. Along the way, all we can do is keep an open mind, have faith that things will work out, and try to appreciate each moment, no matter how bitter or sweet.

Building self-confidence by shattering your limiting beliefs

When I was younger, I always saw myself as someone with a lot of potential, and I believed in my ability to live a fruitful life that serves myself, my family, and my community. However, whenever I would go out and try to realize my potential by pursuing different personal goals, I’d never be able to achieve the level of success I felt capable of. It often felt like something was missing — some internal block that kept me from realizing my potential. Whether it was a lack of self-discipline or a mindset I just couldn’t seem to adopt, I struggled with the nagging sense that I wasn’t quite where I wanted to be.

After repeated failures in my early adulthood, I began to develop limiting beliefs — thoughts that lowered my perception of my potential and placed a limit on what I thought I could achieve in life. The belief that I could become an idealized version of myself felt near impossible.

Challenging my limiting beliefs

A few months ago, something shifted. I found myself feeling unhappy with my recent weight gain and was concerned with the negative impact it would have on my health. I love food, though, and I didn’t want to cut more calories than I had to. However, I was not too fond of the idea of going to the gym. So, I decided to try something different — I started playing basketball. I loved playing basketball, but I hadn’t touched a basketball in six years (unless you count when I bought one a year ago and placed it in my closet, where it sat, uninflated, for a year). Nevertheless, I decided to give it a try.

At first, it felt strange and uncomfortable. I doubted that I could stick with it or make any real progress. However, I adopted a mantra where I told myself that success in the first few weeks will be determined by attendance and participation. If I show up and I play, it’s a win. Over the course of a few months, I began to notice changes. My stamina increased, my weight started to drop, and I even surprised myself by learning skills I thought were near impossible to learn in adulthood, like dribbling between my legs.

In doing so, I shattered multiple limiting beliefs:

I can’t build an exercise routine (I’m still playing basketball and even exploring strength training)
I can’t dribble between my legs (I’m still a beginner, but at least I can do it)
I can’t trim the fat off my waist (I’ve lost around 3 inches in a few months)

The downstream effects of shattering my limiting beliefs

Think about how it feels when you are so confident you can’t do something and prove yourself wrong. Once I broke through, it had a domino effect. I began to challenge other limiting beliefs, and my confidence grew with each one I shattered. Now, I wake up at 5 am every day, meditate daily, exercise regularly, and write blog posts on a weekly basis. I’m constantly asking myself, what else can I do? I’m regaining the confidence I had when I was younger, but I also have years of failure and experience to help guide me along the way.

Final words…

How to build self-confidence

Over the past few months, I’ve learned that the key to building true self-confidence is to wage a war against your limiting beliefs. We all have confidence, but that confidence is often rooted in a belief that we cannot do something. When you prove to yourself that you can do something that you once thought you could not do, it has a ripple effect. Each win helps you build momentum for the next one.

Start with something small.
Be patient. You have a limiting belief for a reason (i.e., what you’re trying to achieve is hard). When you first start and face adversity or don’t see immediate results, your mind will tell you, “See, I told you that you can’t do this.” Just remember, though, at the beginning, success is determined by attendance and participation
Give yourself time. Give yourself 2-3 months or 15-20 hours of effort over the course of a couple of weeks. You will make noticeable gains and see progress over this amount of time.
Use your confidence to strengthen your confidence. After you’ve seen one limiting belief loosen its grip on you, use that momentum to conquer other limiting beliefs.

After you do this for a while, even just 2-3 months as it has been for myself, you develop a new belief — I am not limited by my beliefs. When you inevitably face setbacks or adversity, this belief gives you a different kind of perseverance that makes you want to get back up because you realize that you’ve worked hard to build this belief (that your beliefs do not limit you), and you want to preserve it for as long as you can.

An undervalued skill: Tolerating discomfort

We are programmed with a desire to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. When we find something pleasurable (e.g., a food, an activity, an experience), we seek more of it. Over time, we may even become attached and addicted. On the flip side, if we find something unpleasant, we develop an aversion. Our natural inclination is to gravitate towards the pleasant experiences in life while trying to minimize the unpleasant experiences. It is the path of least resistance.

As we all know, though, the most fruitful things in life rarely come without pain. Building good habits, successful careers, and deep relationships requires facing discomfort. In the face of challenges, we’re often told to be resilient and gritty. While true, there’s one skill that is a prerequisite to it all: the ability to tolerate discomfort.

Discomfort and pain are normal.

Our animalistic instincts tell us that pain is a threat and a signal that something is wrong. This instinct protects us. For example, if we touch something burning hot, pain tells us to pull away. As humans though, we’ve expanded this understanding of pain beyond physical pain to include emotional and spiritual pains. When we feel sad or anxious, society often treats these feelings as problems we must fix. We’re asked, “What’s wrong?” or usually told, “Don’t be upset,” as if it is not normal to experience negative emotions.

The problem lies in our glorification of happiness, where we view it as a pursuit that can help us achieve a constant state of bliss, free from all pain and suffering. Therefore, whenever we encounter pain, we get overwhelmed and assume that something is wrong. I have an interview for my dream job but feel anxious, so something must be wrong. I haven’t figured something out. It’s been six months since my father passed away, but I still think about him and miss him everyday. Why can’t I just get over it?

However, pain and discomfort are a part of the human experience. To deny or avoid them is to deny what it means to be human. Pain, in itself, is neither good nor bad. It is just a sensation or feeling. is not good or bad. It’s just a sensation or feeling. It is only when we label it that it becomes good or bad.

Embracing pain and discomfort.

“We are born in pain, we die in pain. Pain pervades this world.”

~ Guru Nanak Dev Ji

An undervalued skill is accepting that discomfort is a natural part of life. Rather than running away from discomfort, we should lean into it. Embracing pain doesn’t mean you are actively seeking it out, but it means developing an understanding that it is a companion on the journey to growth. Adopting this mindset can free us from suffering and unlock endless opportunities in our lives. To be free doesn’t mean we’re immune to pain. It just means we’ve accepted it. Consider childbirth — perhaps the greatest miracle and blessing in the world, and yet it is accompanied by excruciating pain.

“Pain is the medicine, and pleasure the disease.”

~ Guru Nanak Dev Ji

In the pursuit of a meaningful life, pain can be an asset. It can motivate us to strive for greatness and build lasting positive changes in our lives. Conversely, unchecked pleasure can lead to complacency. Think of stories where you were at your best. Most likely, they began with adversity and challenge. Rarely do we find the best versions of ourselves in moments of ease and comfort.

When you create an openness to pain in your heart and mind, you’ll notice that pain and pleasure are closely intertwined, not polar opposites. The lines between pain and pleasure become blurry. Many times, pain becomes a source of pleasure. It becomes a source of satisfaction, a badge of honor you wear, and something that signals hard work and dedication.

Final words…

Tolerating discomfort isn’t just valuable for achieving long-term goals but a skill that can serve us in our day-to-day lives. If you feel sad because your friend canceled your dinner plans, it’s okay to feel that way. It’s a normal human response. Nothing is wrong. However, once you accept and acknowledge that, something remarkable happens. It loosens its grip on you. It’s as if your mind isn’t seeking a solution but is merely seeking permission to feel the way it does.

Pain is not always an abnormality or a problem that needs to be solved. It’s a common feeling. Accept it. Embrace it.

The Illusion of Success

As a society, we’ve built up a particular image of what success looks like, often glorifying it rather than sharing its true nature. Content creators know that what sells is sharing the “before” and “after” images of success. It is the bait that hooks you. The before is relatable, and it motivates you to consume more content to learn how to enact change in your own life. The problem is that these stories are told in hindsight, from the perspective of when success has already been achieved. They’re not told from the perspective of someone riddled with self-doubt and doesn’t know if they’ll reach that “after” image, with their track record suggesting that they will not. As a result, we get fed a story where success looks smooth and linear, with the constant failures, pain, and suffering left out.

How this distorted image of success sets us up for failure

When we see a polished version of someone’s success story, we assume that if we follow the same steps as this individual, the path to success will be easier than it looks. We develop these unrealistic expectations. As a result, when we go down this path toward success and are hit with adversity, we begin to doubt ourselves.

It’s harder than it looked like in that story, so I must be doing something wrong.

Once people hit this point, they will usually do one of three things:

Give up
Push further, hit adversity again, and then give up
Consume more content, try something different, hit adversity, and give up.

The problem is that nobody tells you that failure and struggle are not signs of inadequacy but are part of the process.

What success actually looks like

Let’s take an example of early risers. I’ve always been told that successful people get up early in the morning and are highly productive. They’ve already achieved the day’s most important tasks before others have even woken up.

The morning routine of a high-achiever

I get up promptly at 5 in the morning before the sun rises. I grab my green tea and spend the first hour of my morning on my patio, soaking up the fresh air and writing down five things I am grateful for and the three most important things I want to accomplish today. The first hour of my morning is sacred and dedicated to setting my intentions for the day, so I avoid using any technology. Afterward, with a clear and relaxed mind, I meditate for at least thirty minutes. This practice grounds me and ensures I start each day with clarity and purpose. Afterward, I head to the gym for a balanced blend of cardio and strength training. Once I come back, I have a refreshing and filling matcha latte with almond milk and an organic plant-based protein powder. After I’m done taking a shower, I dive into the list that I made earlier and finish it before noon.

Although it’s a little much for me, I’d be thrilled if my morning was like this.

Because this idea of a ‘perfect morning routine’ has been ingrained in me for years, I also set out to wake up before sunrise.

The morning routine of someone trying to become a high-achiever

The night before, I set up three alarms, one for 5am, one for 5:07am, and one for 5:10am. I almost always snooze the first one but eventually force myself up by 5:10am. I first grab my coffee with half and half and spend the first hour of my morning on my bed, drinking my coffee while trying to stay awake and waiting for the sleep inertia to wear off. I’ll scroll my phone, often watching random YouTube videos. Once the coffee has kicked in and I’m confident I won’t fall back asleep, I’ll start to meditate. The first 15 minutes of meditation aren’t too bad, but for the last 15, I start to get pretty restless and sometimes a bit cranky. By the time my alarm rings, I usually sigh a sigh of relief that I’m done and just want to stretch for a minute because my body feels so tense from sitting for so long. I’ll go downstairs and do some journaling, but sometimes my heart is not in it because I’m still pretty tired. I eventually muster up the energy to go for a workout. I’ve really only been focused on cardio because it’s what I know, and I am intimated by the idea of going to a gym to lift weights in front of people who are much stronger than I am. I am completely exhausted when I get back from working out. I sluggishly force myself into the shower, which feels like a big chore. Once I get out, I usually look to have a quick breakfast. Once in a while, I’ll have a protein shake and dump some powder into milk, but I’ll usually just have some boiled eggs with a slice of bread and butter. I’m still pretty hungry afterward, but I try not to eat anymore since I’m trying to trim a few pounds. Instead, I’ll just have a hot beverage. Afterward, I start my work but often feel like I’m playing catch up all day.

Even in my retelling and personal account of waking up at 5am, I’m glorifying it. This is what my morning is like when I actually manage to get up. After doing this for about a month, at least once a week or so, I’ll usually get up, grab my coffee, and go right back asleep for 15-20 minutes.

Over time, I’ve learned that ‘success’ kind of sucks. It’s full of setbacks, self-doubt, and pain. This is the reality of success.

If success sucks, why pursue it anyways?

I’ve had to ask myself this time and time again. I can only speak for myself, but two things keep me going:

The pursuit of success, despite being hard and painful, is still more pleasurable than accepting mediocrity. At the end of the day, at least I’m trying, and that’s something to be proud of.
There is a pleasure that comes from pain. The only way I can describe this is through an example. You go workout for 30 minutes. You workout for just 30 minutes a few times a week, and all week, you’re sore, yet you don’t see a damn difference when you look in the mirror. Your muscles are aching, you’re a step slower in everything you do, and sometimes, just getting up from a sitting position feels daunting. And yet, every time you get up and feel that pain, you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment and want to give yourself a pat on the back. I worked out, heck yeah! The same goes for anything you do. You don’t feel this every day, but when you feel it, it feels incredible.

Final words…

We’ve been conditioned to view success as this smooth and linear progression from ‘before’ to ‘after,’ often presented by content creators trying to get more viewers and subscribers. However, these success stories don’t just come from Youtubers and social media influencers but also from our own social circles, where our families and friends will share their achievements while glossing over the setbacks and painful moments.

We live in a culture where success is glorified and adversity is considered ugly, so we omit those parts of the story altogether. However, success cannot exist without adversity, and nor can it exist without failure. When we internalize this and normalize failure and struggle as part of the path to success, it frees us from the expectation that we must live up to this unrealistic image. Consequently, it increases the likelihood that we will, in fact, succeed.

The Hard Truths of Life

It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle of day-to-day life. With so much going on in our professional and personal lives, we are so consumed by what is right in front of us. We’re so immersed in what we are doing, and it is as if we are on autopilot. We’re going down a dangerous path when we operate like this. It’s easy for weeks, months, or years to go by where you’re on autopilot, and the moment you stop, you look back and wonder where all that precious time went that you are never going to get back. It’s important to pause from time to time to remind ourselves of the hard truths of life so that we can stop living on autopilot and control where we want to go:

Truth #1:

We will all die, and it might be much sooner than you expect and much less pleasant than you wish. Don’t think anything in your future is guaranteed, not even the next hour.

Truth #2:

Everyone around you, everyone you love or hate, is also going to die, and it also might be sooner than you expect.

Truth #3:

Everything is temporary, whether it be people or possessions. Death will take everything you have accumulated, but things can be taken from you much sooner than that, no matter how hard you worked or how much you love it. It’s yours, but it is also not. It is borrowed, and you must eventually return it, potentially without any advance notice.

Truth #4:

You can enjoy what you’ve been given (family, friends, success, fame, fortune, possessions), but again, remember it can and will be taken away from you (or you from it). Attaching yourself to it or refusing to let go will only cause you to suffer.

Truth #5: We operate under a logic (e.g., we do good, good will happen to us. We work hard, we will be rewarded), but this logic is false. There may be a logic that exists, but it’s not something we can necessarily comprehend or understand.

Accepting these truths and moving forward:

Acknowledging these truths can be extremely crippling (because you realize how little you control) or extremely liberating (because you realize how little you control). If you find it crippling, you’re riding against (or trying to control) the waves of life. If you find it liberating, you realize that you can’t control the ocean, so instead, you go with the ups and downs of life, accept both the calm and turbulent moments, and learn how to surf and go with the flow.

It can be easy to reject these truths for those who are externally thriving and have fame, fortune, or status because our ego gets in the way. Furthermore, we’re afraid and don’t want to accept that we may lose everything we have. For those struggling, this can provide solace as we remember that our suffering is temporary and that no one is above these laws. Furthermore, we can provide our egos some comfort knowing that the universe operates under a different logic than we are used to, which means that our inability to thrive externally may not be our fault.

Final words…

As you go about your day, think about these truths. How do they fit into your life? If you’re thriving, don’t attach yourself to this feeling — it will pass. If you’re struggling, don’t lose hope — this too shall pass. We only have a finite amount of time in this world, so be careful what you do with it.

Declaring war on your anxiety

For those of us that struggle with anxiety, we know far too well that it can have devastating effects on your day-to-day life. At its worst, it can consume you all day and induce a state of mild paralysis where you feel that you can’t take action. What I’m referring to is not necessarily the type of anxiety you feel before giving a presentation (although it could be), but it’s when you wake up in the morning and feel tense and afraid. You’re subconsciously wondering, how am I going to survive the day? What’s going to trigger my anxiety? And oddly enough, sometimes just the fear of getting anxiety starts to cause anxiety.

A simple trick that I uncovered a few days ago to help me navigate my anxiety is to declare war on it. I woke up one morning, was waiting for my coffee to finish brewing, and despite feeling groggy, my mind started to run a million miles an hour, hoping that I wouldn’t feel anxious today. That very thought started to make me anxious. I don’t know what triggered this thought in my head, but I just got a bit fed up. I’m tired of this. Enough is enough. Today, I’m not going to let my anxiety control me. I took a deep breath, grabbed my coffee, went to my room, and proceeded on with my day as if my anxiety did not exist.

Did the anxiety disappear for the rest of the day? No. But for some reason, it wasn’t crippling or paralyzing. It was just something my body was doing on autopilot (e.g., getting tense, heart rate elevating). Sure my mind would still go down rabbit holes of anxious thinking, but there was a detachment from those thoughts. Luckily enough, things weren’t too bad from midday onward, and towards the end of the day, those thoughts significantly reduced.

Since then, I’ve made a conscious effort each morning to declare war on my anxiety. There’s no wow factor to this. It’s nothing magical. But making this affirmation, especially when I can emotionally get behind it, seems to make a difference.You have to bring this intention to not let your anxiety rule over you to your conscious awareness by saying it out loud (or in your head) in the morning. The anxious thoughts come and go, but it doesn’t define me, and therefore, it shouldn’t dictate my day or get in the way of me pursuing other things.

Not sure what to do? Do nothing

Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

When something is not working, when we feel lost, or when we don’t know what to be doing in the present moment, our mind nudges us into action. It could be seeking a solution, talking to someone about our stressors, or just distracting ourselves with a TV show or food. Through some mechanism over time, our mind has developed this strong belief that doing is always the solution. However, as we have experienced over and over again, action does not fix everything. Watching TV doesn’t always cure boredom, and venting doesn’t heal anger. If we’re lucky, we may achieve temporary relief, but the root of the problem remains – we always feel the need to control things, and as a result, we feel the need to always do something.

The Art of Non-Doing

Yesterday, when feeling a bit restless and in a rut, I wrote a journal entry/note on my phone:

I gave in today and tried to logically get myself out of the rut that I’m feeling regarding my monotonous day-to-day routine. I googled for ideas, I went on Reddit, I listened to talks, I tried reading, and quite honestly, none of it worked. Had I not stressed over this, I could have least enjoyed the past two hours. It wouldn’t change anything, but it may have been relaxing, and that might have helped.

I experienced a challenging emotion (restlessness), but no amount of doing was able to fix this. As a matter of fact, it may have made things worse because I felt tired and like I had lost valuable time on my day off, and I had nothing to show for it. When we feel unpleasant emotions, we feel the need to get rid of them. What we fail to recognize and admit to ourselves is that it is okay, and it is human, to experience negative emotions. Not every negative moment or feeling has to be a crisis.

We do not know how to sit with our feelings. The art of non-doing is recognizing that it is okay to not try to fix everything. It is okay to feel bad and let ourselves feel that way. Oddly enough, this acknowledgment in and of itself is empowering and a mood lifter. Does this mean give up or stop trying? Absolutely not! It means learning to distinguish between what you can control and what you cannot control and being okay with what you cannot control.

Non-doing simply means letting go, letting things be the way that they are, and letting them unfold the way they are intended.

Practicing Non-Doing

“When we spend some time each day in non-doing, resting in awareness, observing the flow of the breath and the activity of our mind and body without getting caught up in that activity, we are cultivating calmness and mindfulness hand in hand”
~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Meditation, at its core, is an exercise of non-doing. However, it is not the only way to practice non-doing. I have found that non-doing is about absorbing what is happening in the present moment as it shifts into the next moment. It is also about making a conscious decision not to be pulled in several directions by our feelings, desires, or external pressure. Non-doing can also manifest through effortless action (i.e., things that induce a state of flow). This could be listening to music, going for a walk, or swimming. The key here is intentionality. Is movement enabling your ability to be aware and present, or is it just another thing you are doing?

More than anything, non-doing is something that results through the decisions we make in our day-to-day. When you’re bored, do you automatically grab your smartphone and scroll through social media, or do you sit with it and be okay being bored? When someone messages you from work in the evening, do you immediately respond or put it aside and respond during regular working hours?

Final words…

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy”
~ Guillaume Apollinaire

If there’s a takeaway I can give from this post, it is this – the next time you’re in a rut, or you feel stuck, rather than jumping into action, take a moment to pause. Take just two minutes. Take a handful of deep breathes, analyze what is happening around you, recite a mantra to ground you, and/or ask yourself this question – do I need to be doing something right now and will it fix how I am feeling?

Is our measure of success backwards?

When thinking about life on a broader scale, we know that no amount of fame, fortune, or material possessions will give us lasting joy. Furthermore, we know we will not take any of our accumulated wealth with us when we cease to exist. However, despite this knowledge, when we talk about success and successful individuals, our default is to talk about success in terms of fame, fortune, or career. We’ll glorify actors, musicians, entrepreneurs, and the wealthy. Even when having a conversation among family or friends, we default to praising those in our circle with well-paying jobs, big homes, a post-graduate degree, or a Director+ level job title. We know of the horrors and challenges of the rat race, yet we continue to gush over it and fantasize about it.

Backward success begins in childhood and bleeds into adulthood

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat”
~Lily Tomlin

A concern with this way of thinking is that it develops in childhood when children are pressured to be achievement-oriented. Kids are encouraged to be maximally involved in school – get good grades, be involved in sports, band, and other extracurricular activities. When a child achieves all they can achieve in school, the next achievement is getting into a good college, followed by a good graduate school, followed by a good-paying job, followed by an even better paying job, and so on. By the time we reach adolescence or adulthood, most of us have finally learned that these achievements and goals will not give us lasting joy. However, because we’ve been trained to think a certain way for so long, we cannot turn off this way of thinking. We do not know how to, and guidance is minimal. At some point, we go so deep into this lifestyle that we become stuck and just give-in. We cling to our wealth and our children’s achievements to preserve our joy, as minimal as it may be.

Success the right way

“You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy”
~ Garth Brooks

It is imperative that we begin to shift the focus of success to the right things in life, the things that matter. Have a well-paying career is a form of success but is it the right kind of success? What about the person who is simply a good parent, or the individual who can live life mindfully because they have control over their emotions, or the person who has achieved a high level of spiritual awareness?

Many people have attempted to move the needle on work by encouraging others to find a purposeful and meaningful career so that work no longer feels like work. This is sound advice for some, but it still promotes the rat race, just in a way that is more tolerable. Another option exists – live your life so that work is not at the center of it. The purpose of work is to enable you to create a life where you can focus on things that matter. However, many of us are disabled by work and neglect the things that matter to be successful. Unfortunately, along the way, we often find that while we get closer to success in our career, we become more and more separated from the success that matters.

Let’s shift the focus. Let’s recognize those who have achieved true success. Move away from the rat race.