A reflection after succeeding, and then failing

One of the most debilitating and demoralizing feelings is asking yourself, “How did I get here… again?” We think about life and our goals as a set of progressions where we keep stepping forward and making progress over time. For example, when you’re trying to lose weight, you think about how you’ll lose 1-2 pounds a week until you reach your target weight. What you’re not thinking about is all the fluctuations and setbacks in your journey or how you’ll respond if you lose 10 lbs… and then gain it all back. When climbing a mountain, your focus is just on how to get to the top. But what do you do when you’re over halfway there, you fall, and now you have to start all over again? Does that make the climb a failure? Will you start over again?

A reflection after succeeding… and then failing…

About six months ago, I embarked on a journey to become a more idealized version of myself. I reached a point of frustration with how I was living my life, and I was committed to enacting positive change. I started getting up at 5 am, meditating for 30+ minutes daily, playing basketball, losing weight, blogging, and more. I had taken on so much, and it was not easy, but I kept trying to motivate myself by telling myself that the discomfort of building all these habits was better than the discomfort of living a gluttonous and hedonistic lifestyle. One day, in an effort to give myself a pep talk, I wrote a blog post on the struggle to be better, where I documented this sentiment. I also made a prediction which came true:

I know that I am going to fail. The motivation will go, adversity will hit, and I will fail.

Part of me believed this as I wrote this, but another part hoped this could be a powerful line in a blog post that I could happily reflect on and say, “Well, I was wrong.”

I was not wrong. I succeeded in the first 3-4 months, but I undid all my progress in the last two months. I sit here as I write this, asking myself, “How did I get here… again?”

Why I failed.

Who knows? That’s the honest answer. However, a few things that do come to mind:

I went too hard and too fast (burnout). The faster you go up, the harder you’ll come down. One problem was that I took on too much all at once. Even in past blog posts, you’ll notice that I embraced this idea of tolerating discomfort and somewhat adopting a mantra of ‘no pain, no gain.’ I still stand by it when I say that embracing this kind of mindset is a great motivator in the short term. It is also rooted in the reality that good things are difficult to obtain. However, over time, that mindset wears on you. If you’re juggling too many things at once, your mind or body will give in at some point. Over time, things should get easier as these behaviors turn into habits. If they keep getting harder, that’s a red flag that you’re doing too much at once.
I was too rigid and afraid to fail, and I didn’t know how to take breaks. I couldn’t differentiate between being disciplined and being too rigid. I thought it was a sign of discipline when I woke up at 5 am every day. There were days when I would sleep late, but I forced myself out of bed at 5 am, no matter what. I thought this was discipline. I did not want to break this habit because if I snoozed one day and woke up at 7 am, it would create a vicious cycle of falling asleep late and waking up after 5 am. The problem was that doing this accumulated an insurmountable sleep debt. This not only made it harder to get up each morning, but it also impacted my other goals. I was too afraid to experiment because I didn’t know how to find the right balance and take a break.
I was never satisfied and was targeting the wrong goals. I was nearly 10 pounds lighter, my waist was several inches smaller, and I fitted in a smaller shirt size, and yet I’d look at myself in the mirror and think I hadn’t lost anything. The insecurities didn’t go away. Similarly, I had a healthier work-life balance with work and made a good salary, but it didn’t feel like it was enough. This made me realize that goals like weight loss, work-based goals, fighting addictions, etc… these goals might improve our health or status, but they don’t always improve the quality of our lives because they don’t target the root issues that make us unhappy. This is why, for example, many people give up one addiction but then become addicted to something else. They’re playing whack-a-mole but not targeting the root emotional or spiritual cause.

Simply put, I never really found the right balance with my goals. I adopted all-or-none thinking, so when the circumstances were favorable, I went all-in to the point of exhaustion and burnout. However, the moment the circumstances became unfavorable (e.g., when traveling for work), I adopted the “none” thinking and completely let myself go. Furthermore, my measures of success were mainly extrinsically based, and the goals I set didn’t give me the peace and joy I had desired, but that was because the goals didn’t address the root challenges I faced in my life.

Getting back up with some lessons learned…

Success is not linear. However, if success is not linear, it also means that setbacks are not failures. They’re just a part of the process. I may have to start from level one again, but at least I made it to level two. I also know how to get there and what traps to avoid to progress beyond that level. Some of the things I will try differently:

Change the focus from trying to win the game to maximizing what you can do with the cards you’ve been dealt. To win a game or achieve a goal, so much depends on factors outside of your control. If your only goal is to win, you’ll often be miserable and disappointed. What is in your control is to try to do what you can with whatever circumstance you’re facing. This fundamentally changes the criteria for success.
Set deeper-rooted emotional and spiritual goals that target living a more fulfilling, peaceful, and purposeful life (rather than surface-level goals that only address the symptoms). Neither your physique nor your job title will make you feel better about yourself. These are patchwork solutions. It doesn’t mean that you ignore these things, but you’re setting yourself up for failure if you think these things will solve your life problems.
Listen to yourself. It can be difficult to distinguish between laziness, fatigue, and personal limitations. You have to listen carefully to your mind and body to do this.
Find the grey area. One of my ‘deeper-rooted emotional and spiritual goals’ is to overcome my all-or-none thinking. There is always a middle ground or a balance. The grey area is a spectrum where two things can be true simultaneously. I can be content with my current state while acknowledging there is more to be done. Small wins do count in the grey area, and taking breaks is okay.

Turning a bad day into a good day

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and have a hunch that it will be a rough day? Perhaps you didn’t sleep well or are dreading the lengthy list of things you need to do. You’re tired, unmotivated, cranky, and all out of balance. Whenever I have those days, I often say that I don’t feel grounded. As you go about your day, no matter how hard you try to shake it off, it feels like you’re going about your day with two left feet. Whenever I wake up feeling like this, nine times out of ten, the day is gone for good. The only hope is to survive the day and prioritize getting a good night’s sleep, so tomorrow is better. However, every now and then, I do manage to salvage the day. Perhaps it’s dumb luck, but maybe there are a few things we can do in these moments.

Why do we have these days?

There are many reasons why we might have days where the universe seems to be conspiring against us, but here are a few of the more common ones I’ve experienced and seen.

Poor sleep. Either you didn’t sleep enough, or your sleep quality was poor. It could be due to stress, sleep conditions (e.g., lighting, temperature), caffeine intake, etc. Regardless, you didn’t sleep well or woke up during the wrong sleep cycle, and it is throwing you off.
Stress. You may have a lot of things on your mind or a lengthy to-do list, so your mind is overwhelmed with the volume of things to do. Rather than settling into the day, it feels pressured to jump into the day immediately. It could also be physical stress (e.g., too much physical exertion without enough rest, physical pains).
Mental state. You might not be stressed, but maybe you’re depressed. Perhaps you’re angry or irritable due to things going on in your life.
Poor morning rituals. Sometimes you wake up, and perhaps you feel a little tired, but it’s your own decisions that negatively influence your day. This could be mindlessly scrolling YouTube for an hour or something like watching the news and hearing something disturbing or frustrating.
Bad luck. Everything is out of sorts. Your fridge stopped working, and your car broke down. Alas, it’s just one of those days.

How do you rebound from a bad start to your day?

Obviously, if you can take preventative measures or tackle any of these directly (e.g., getting more sleep), that will immediately help. However, we often don’t know what is happening or, quite frankly, are not in the mood to figure it out. We need to get on with our day and try to make it work.

Take accountability.

If you put yourself in this situation because you procrastinated on sleeping last night or spent your early hours watching YouTube shorts, you must own up to it. When cranky or irritable, it’s easy to blame external reasons or people (e.g., the neighbor whose car alarm rings at 3 am every morning), but the truth is that if you put yourself in that position, you need to own up to it. Yes, in an ideal world, things would be different (e.g., my neighbor would know they are being disruptive), but it’s not a perfect world, so we cannot cling to our ideals and then get upset when they are not met.

Sometimes, it is tough to recognize that you are the culprit. For example, yesterday, a family member pressured me to help with something that took up two hours of my morning. As a result, I fell extremely behind on my workday and felt scattered and ungrounded. I was annoyed at them for eating up my morning and for insensitively trying to guilt-trip me for help during a work day. However, I had to take accountability because even though they did that, I could have just said no. I should have said no if it was not a good time to help.

Something interesting happens when you own up to your mistakes and take accountability for your circumstances. You realize that the challenge you are facing is not outside of your control. You may have to admit that you messed up or could have done better, but you also empower yourself by realizing you are in the driver’s seat. You can actually do something about the current situation rather than continuing to victimize yourself.

Practice acceptance.

One challenge when taking accountability is that if you’re not gentle with yourself, it can have an adverse effect, and you may become too hard on yourself, resulting in self-pity or diminishing your self-worth. Therefore, it’s important to practice acceptance in addition to taking accountability. Acceptance allows you to redirect your energy. It’s done. It’s over. Now move on. It’s not worth clinging to this situation any longer. Accept the situation as it is right now and start planning how you will get out of it.

Acceptance is also helpful if you truly are not the culprit and have just been given a raw deal. For example, you couldn’t have predicted that your car would break down. It sucks, but it happened. Rather than expending your energy ruminating on what happened, reallocate that energy to accept the circumstance and focus on what you can do about it now.

Ground yourself.

Acceptance allows you to channel your energy and ground yourself. The challenge when your day is off to a poor start is that you often feel this pressure to catch up and salvage the day. The problem is that you’re mentally scattered, so trying to speed up will exacerbate the problem. When you speed up, your mind keeps bouncing around from one challenge to the next, and it feels like you’re playing whack-a-mole where you address one problem and another shows up.

If you feel scattered and behind, you need to slow down. Slow down, get it together, zoom out, see the bigger picture, and make a plan. Move on with your day slowly, but strategically. Check-in with yourself more than usual and reprioritize and reorganize constantly.

Final words…

We all have these days. Sometimes it’s our fault, and other times it’s out of our control. Regardless, time is a precious currency, and it’s important that we do our best to adapt to the circumstances and salvage our day. You must accept ownership and accountability for your missteps, accept the circumstance for what it is rather than ruminating on the past or getting anxious about what’s ahead, and slow down. Check-in with yourself constantly rather than trying to speed up. Lastly, when all else fails, and you can’t seem to turn the day around despite your best efforts, be kind to yourself. Prioritize getting a full night of sleep. It’s surprising how one good night’s sleep can make all the difference. Each day is a fresh new start, but the day’s success often starts the night before.

The hidden solution: Acceptance

Every lock has a key; similarly, every problem has a solution. When we encounter obstacles in our lives, our default response, in many cases, is to move into solution-seeking mode, trying to search for ways to fix what’s wrong. As we’ve all experienced, though, every now and then, we’ll encounter a problem that seems unsolvable despite our best efforts, leaving us feeling stuck. For example, you might feel stuck in a challenging relationship or a career with limited upward mobility. In these situations, it’s easy to get frustrated or feel helpless. However, there’s one solution available to us that we should always keep in our back pocket– acceptance.

Misconceptions and barriers to acceptance

There’s often a negative connotation that comes with acceptance. We think of it as something we’re forced into because we have no other choice. We associate it with powerlessness as if there’s a giant wall in front of us, and we decide to sit beside it and accept that we’ll never get past it. However, acceptance is more about clarity than surrender. You’re stepping back to see what the wall looks like and acknowledging its presence rather than blindly walking forward and colliding with it in frustration. Here are two common barriers to acceptance:

Feeling that acceptance is giving up or admitting defeat. Instead, you’re being realistic and acknowledging the limitations that exist at this moment in your life. In reality, we control much less than we think we control in our lives. For example, we can control how we prepare for a job interview but can’t control whether we’ll get an offer. Once you accept the things outside your control, it frees you up and allows you to invest that energy into things you can control. You’re making a calculated decision forward.
Blaming yourself or others. A common coping mechanism in trying to accept a suboptimal circumstance is looking for a cause or reason. Internally, a part of us feels that if we can identify the culprit, we can find a solution. However, this only gives us a false sense of control. You can blame the drivers in front of you for why you’ll be late for your doctor’s appointment, but it won’t change the fact that you will be late. The longer you spend in frustration or self-victimization, the longer it will take to experience the relief and freedom that comes from true acceptance.

What is acceptance?

Acceptance is a choice. It’s not just resigning yourself to your fate. It is a conscious decision that you are making. You’re relinquishing control of the circumstance to regain control of your life. For example, if you’re stuck in a disengaging job because you cannot find another job, you can choose to continue to be stressed and frustrated with the job market, or you can accept that it will take time and refocus your energy on recrafting your work or finding purpose outside of your work. You keep looking for jobs but stop checking your email ten times a day, hoping you landed an interview. You are choosing to invest that energy elsewhere.

Acceptance is freeing yourself from your own expectations. It’s about letting go of our expectations for how things should be and how others should act and even letting go of our expectations of ourselves. We tend to struggle with this the most when the barrier lies within. It’s easier to free ourselves from and accept external barriers (e.g., your flight gets canceled) because we can tell ourselves it was out of our hands. However, when it’s an internal barrier, such as being unable to speak up to a parent, we think we should be able to do something about it. In actuality, though, even in those situations, things are often outside our control (e.g., childhood upbringing and power dynamics that have created psychological barriers). Let go of the expectation that things should be a certain way.

Final words…

When we think about the five stages of grief, it is only when we reach acceptance that we find true closure. However, the utility of acceptance goes beyond grief; you can apply it to almost any challenge in life. It lets you let go of the thoughts and emotions holding you back and frees up your mental energy to find contentment and focus on something else. When you accept your circumstances and free yourself from your judgment, you realize that it is not the anchor that is holding you back, but it is you who is unwilling to let go of the anchor.

The Unpredictability of Life: Looking Back Six Years

Six years ago, I sat in this exact spot at the library of my graduate school, sipping an Americano—just as I am today. In the past, I was worried about finishing my final exams and papers while simultaneously hoping to get a call to interview for a PhD program. I was so caught up and overwhelmed by the unknowns, the what-ifs, and the volume of things I had to do. Everything seemed so important, and the implications were massive. Ever since I was in high school, I told everyone that I would get a PhD in Psychology. I resisted the cultural and familial pressures to pursue a degree in medicine or engineering, and getting into a PhD program would validate that decision. However, without it, what would I do? I had so many questions — Do I look for a job? Do I apply again next year? What will others say? Today, though, I sit here with answers to those questions and many lessons learned.

Lessons learned six years later

Lesson 1: When in the middle of it, every problem in your life feels like a big problem. However, in the grand scheme, it’s just a small chapter in your life.

Our brains can process 11 million bits of information every second, yet our conscious minds can handle only 40-50 bits per second. Therefore, our conscious mind can only see a fraction of the whole equation, and it can easily overestimate the gravity of a problem. This doesn’t mean that the challenges in your life don’t matter, but it illustrates how we can amplify the intensity of what we’re going through. In the six years since I graduated, I’ve dealt with countless new challenges, such as struggling to find a job, dealing with intense anxiety episodes, and witnessing the deterioration and loss of loved ones in my life. At the time, all things felt massive, and they were. Yet still, they all passed and faded into the background of my broader life story.

Lesson 2: Nobody really cares about you. You’re just a small fish in a vast ocean.

Past me would never admit it, but I cared too much about what others thought about me, whether it be my family or classmates. I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time I felt slighted, insignificant, or as if I was a social outcast, I used it as fuel to succeed. I thought it was a healthy coping mechanism. However, looking back, I now realize that I am insignificant. We all are. We’re just a side character or an extra in someone else’s life story. Worrying about what others think isn’t worth the stress.

Whenever I had to give a class presentation, I always worried about embarrassing myself in front of my classmates. Six years later, I don’t even remember half of those classmates, nor do I remember what those presentations were about or where exactly I gave them. All my former classmates, whom I saw nearly every day for two years, have now dispersed worldwide and are living their own lives. I’ll likely never see most of them again.

Lesson 3: Things almost always work out in the long run, but not necessarily the way you plan.

I didn’t get into a PhD program, yet I’m so glad I didn’t. Initially, the rejection resulted in immense self-doubt after being unemployed for months and being told by a recruiter that I was barely worth above minimum wage despite having a Master’s degree with a 3.9 GPA while having two part-time jobs. However, that chapter also passed. By not getting into a PhD program, I got six extra years of living close to my family while forging and strengthening beautiful lifelong friendships. For two years, I was able to work for and help build a company that protects children. Now, I get paid really well to manage incredible people while working from home.

Only God could have scripted it this way. My ego wants to take the credit for how I rebounded from not getting into a PhD program, but the truth is that I didn’t plan any of this. I got recruited for my first and current jobs, and I only knew the companies existed once someone reached out to me on LinkedIn. It all worked out—it always does. We just need to have a little faith. Every failure in life creates the path for future success.

Lesson 4: Savor each moment and each experience, as it will never come back.

When stressed, we’re so focused on overcoming and getting past the obstacles that stand before us that we forget to appreciate the gifts that exist along the way. Because I wanted to get into a PhD program, I was so focused on trying to stand out and impress one of my professors that I missed countless opportunities to soak in his wisdom and savor his humility and kindness. Even though I’m back at my alma mater, sitting in the same library as I once did, I can no longer sit in on one of his classes as he passed away a few years ago.

As tempting as it can be to fast-forward the difficult moments in our lives, don’t press that button, as you’ll also miss out on the good parts.

Final words…

On my trip back to my alma mater, I met some old friends still in the area. Interestingly, very few of them are doing what they thought they would be doing six years ago, and none of them could have imagined their lives would be the way they are today. It made me realize that life is unpredictable, and rather than clinging to our own perception of how we think our life should be, it’s better to loosely make a plan and accept that it will change over and over again, and that’s okay. Along the way, all we can do is keep an open mind, have faith that things will work out, and try to appreciate each moment, no matter how bitter or sweet.

Building self-confidence by shattering your limiting beliefs

When I was younger, I always saw myself as someone with a lot of potential, and I believed in my ability to live a fruitful life that serves myself, my family, and my community. However, whenever I would go out and try to realize my potential by pursuing different personal goals, I’d never be able to achieve the level of success I felt capable of. It often felt like something was missing — some internal block that kept me from realizing my potential. Whether it was a lack of self-discipline or a mindset I just couldn’t seem to adopt, I struggled with the nagging sense that I wasn’t quite where I wanted to be.

After repeated failures in my early adulthood, I began to develop limiting beliefs — thoughts that lowered my perception of my potential and placed a limit on what I thought I could achieve in life. The belief that I could become an idealized version of myself felt near impossible.

Challenging my limiting beliefs

A few months ago, something shifted. I found myself feeling unhappy with my recent weight gain and was concerned with the negative impact it would have on my health. I love food, though, and I didn’t want to cut more calories than I had to. However, I was not too fond of the idea of going to the gym. So, I decided to try something different — I started playing basketball. I loved playing basketball, but I hadn’t touched a basketball in six years (unless you count when I bought one a year ago and placed it in my closet, where it sat, uninflated, for a year). Nevertheless, I decided to give it a try.

At first, it felt strange and uncomfortable. I doubted that I could stick with it or make any real progress. However, I adopted a mantra where I told myself that success in the first few weeks will be determined by attendance and participation. If I show up and I play, it’s a win. Over the course of a few months, I began to notice changes. My stamina increased, my weight started to drop, and I even surprised myself by learning skills I thought were near impossible to learn in adulthood, like dribbling between my legs.

In doing so, I shattered multiple limiting beliefs:

I can’t build an exercise routine (I’m still playing basketball and even exploring strength training)
I can’t dribble between my legs (I’m still a beginner, but at least I can do it)
I can’t trim the fat off my waist (I’ve lost around 3 inches in a few months)

The downstream effects of shattering my limiting beliefs

Think about how it feels when you are so confident you can’t do something and prove yourself wrong. Once I broke through, it had a domino effect. I began to challenge other limiting beliefs, and my confidence grew with each one I shattered. Now, I wake up at 5 am every day, meditate daily, exercise regularly, and write blog posts on a weekly basis. I’m constantly asking myself, what else can I do? I’m regaining the confidence I had when I was younger, but I also have years of failure and experience to help guide me along the way.

Final words…

How to build self-confidence

Over the past few months, I’ve learned that the key to building true self-confidence is to wage a war against your limiting beliefs. We all have confidence, but that confidence is often rooted in a belief that we cannot do something. When you prove to yourself that you can do something that you once thought you could not do, it has a ripple effect. Each win helps you build momentum for the next one.

Start with something small.
Be patient. You have a limiting belief for a reason (i.e., what you’re trying to achieve is hard). When you first start and face adversity or don’t see immediate results, your mind will tell you, “See, I told you that you can’t do this.” Just remember, though, at the beginning, success is determined by attendance and participation
Give yourself time. Give yourself 2-3 months or 15-20 hours of effort over the course of a couple of weeks. You will make noticeable gains and see progress over this amount of time.
Use your confidence to strengthen your confidence. After you’ve seen one limiting belief loosen its grip on you, use that momentum to conquer other limiting beliefs.

After you do this for a while, even just 2-3 months as it has been for myself, you develop a new belief — I am not limited by my beliefs. When you inevitably face setbacks or adversity, this belief gives you a different kind of perseverance that makes you want to get back up because you realize that you’ve worked hard to build this belief (that your beliefs do not limit you), and you want to preserve it for as long as you can.

Productive Rest

When living in a success-oriented culture, there’s immense pressure to adopt a hustle-and-grind mindset where you’re chasing one thing after the other and hyper-focused on achievements and productivity. As a result, even when we are free, we feel the need to do something “productive,” so we make ourselves busy with various commitments. On occasion, though, we’ll rest for a bit. We think of rest as taking a break from being productive so that we don’t burn out. However, in doing so, we’re shortchanging the value of rest.

We are biologically programmed to need rest. When we sleep, our conscious mind is dormant, but our body is fast at work trying to repair our body and mind and prepare it for optimal functioning once we wake up. Similarly, when strength training, muscle growth happens during rest periods. Therefore, rest is inherently a form of productivity.

Not all rest is created equal.

Many people equate rest with a break from productivity because their concept of rest often equals doing a mindless activity, such as binge-watching a Netflix show for several hours. However, this is more of a form of passive rest, and like caffeine, it can block the signals that let us know how tired we actually are. Active rest is something that you do with full awareness and intentionality. It is something that you plan for, just as you would for a doctor’s appointment.

Active rest is engaging in activities and behaviors that rejuvenate you. It could mean taking a power nap to combat physical exhaustion, attending church to combat spiritual exhaustion, or going to therapy to combat mental fatigue. Sometimes, it is letting yourself sit and be present amid your boredom and restlessness.

Final words…

Rest is something that you need to plan and make time for. It’s not just something that happens between activities or when you have leftover time. Some things that I have been currently working on are:

Treating active rest as a commitment that I need to block off on my calendar.
Making active rest non-negotiable (it is not something I do ‘only if I have free time.’ It is equally as important as any work meeting)
Thinking about the types of energy that I have been low on (e.g., mental, physical) and planning active rest periods to recover in those domains. For example, I started waking up at 5 am to work out. With the combination of waking up early and getting in an intense workout, I noticed that I was extremely exhausted and unproductive for the rest of the day. I recognized that I wasn’t getting enough sleep, so I became more disciplined about going to bed earlier and incorporated a 20-30-minute nap earlier in the day. I’ve noticed there are a few times when I don’t feel the need for a power nap, but I try to take one anyway.
Allowing myself to engage in passive rest. On occasion, binge-watching Netflix or playing video games are okay. They can also be restorative. However, they’re only refreshing if you engage in them due to a genuine interest, not because you’re bored, addicted, or don’t know what else to do with your time.

As with anything you’re trying to get good at, rest is also something you need to practice. When you’re going 100 miles an hour, it’s not easy to tell yourself to slow down. However, by ignoring your body’s signals of rest, you’re doing yourself a disservice and limiting your long-term potential.

An undervalued skill: Tolerating discomfort

We are programmed with a desire to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. When we find something pleasurable (e.g., a food, an activity, an experience), we seek more of it. Over time, we may even become attached and addicted. On the flip side, if we find something unpleasant, we develop an aversion. Our natural inclination is to gravitate towards the pleasant experiences in life while trying to minimize the unpleasant experiences. It is the path of least resistance.

As we all know, though, the most fruitful things in life rarely come without pain. Building good habits, successful careers, and deep relationships requires facing discomfort. In the face of challenges, we’re often told to be resilient and gritty. While true, there’s one skill that is a prerequisite to it all: the ability to tolerate discomfort.

Discomfort and pain are normal.

Our animalistic instincts tell us that pain is a threat and a signal that something is wrong. This instinct protects us. For example, if we touch something burning hot, pain tells us to pull away. As humans though, we’ve expanded this understanding of pain beyond physical pain to include emotional and spiritual pains. When we feel sad or anxious, society often treats these feelings as problems we must fix. We’re asked, “What’s wrong?” or usually told, “Don’t be upset,” as if it is not normal to experience negative emotions.

The problem lies in our glorification of happiness, where we view it as a pursuit that can help us achieve a constant state of bliss, free from all pain and suffering. Therefore, whenever we encounter pain, we get overwhelmed and assume that something is wrong. I have an interview for my dream job but feel anxious, so something must be wrong. I haven’t figured something out. It’s been six months since my father passed away, but I still think about him and miss him everyday. Why can’t I just get over it?

However, pain and discomfort are a part of the human experience. To deny or avoid them is to deny what it means to be human. Pain, in itself, is neither good nor bad. It is just a sensation or feeling. is not good or bad. It’s just a sensation or feeling. It is only when we label it that it becomes good or bad.

Embracing pain and discomfort.

“We are born in pain, we die in pain. Pain pervades this world.”

~ Guru Nanak Dev Ji

An undervalued skill is accepting that discomfort is a natural part of life. Rather than running away from discomfort, we should lean into it. Embracing pain doesn’t mean you are actively seeking it out, but it means developing an understanding that it is a companion on the journey to growth. Adopting this mindset can free us from suffering and unlock endless opportunities in our lives. To be free doesn’t mean we’re immune to pain. It just means we’ve accepted it. Consider childbirth — perhaps the greatest miracle and blessing in the world, and yet it is accompanied by excruciating pain.

“Pain is the medicine, and pleasure the disease.”

~ Guru Nanak Dev Ji

In the pursuit of a meaningful life, pain can be an asset. It can motivate us to strive for greatness and build lasting positive changes in our lives. Conversely, unchecked pleasure can lead to complacency. Think of stories where you were at your best. Most likely, they began with adversity and challenge. Rarely do we find the best versions of ourselves in moments of ease and comfort.

When you create an openness to pain in your heart and mind, you’ll notice that pain and pleasure are closely intertwined, not polar opposites. The lines between pain and pleasure become blurry. Many times, pain becomes a source of pleasure. It becomes a source of satisfaction, a badge of honor you wear, and something that signals hard work and dedication.

Final words…

Tolerating discomfort isn’t just valuable for achieving long-term goals but a skill that can serve us in our day-to-day lives. If you feel sad because your friend canceled your dinner plans, it’s okay to feel that way. It’s a normal human response. Nothing is wrong. However, once you accept and acknowledge that, something remarkable happens. It loosens its grip on you. It’s as if your mind isn’t seeking a solution but is merely seeking permission to feel the way it does.

Pain is not always an abnormality or a problem that needs to be solved. It’s a common feeling. Accept it. Embrace it.

The Illusion of Success

As a society, we’ve built up a particular image of what success looks like, often glorifying it rather than sharing its true nature. Content creators know that what sells is sharing the “before” and “after” images of success. It is the bait that hooks you. The before is relatable, and it motivates you to consume more content to learn how to enact change in your own life. The problem is that these stories are told in hindsight, from the perspective of when success has already been achieved. They’re not told from the perspective of someone riddled with self-doubt and doesn’t know if they’ll reach that “after” image, with their track record suggesting that they will not. As a result, we get fed a story where success looks smooth and linear, with the constant failures, pain, and suffering left out.

How this distorted image of success sets us up for failure

When we see a polished version of someone’s success story, we assume that if we follow the same steps as this individual, the path to success will be easier than it looks. We develop these unrealistic expectations. As a result, when we go down this path toward success and are hit with adversity, we begin to doubt ourselves.

It’s harder than it looked like in that story, so I must be doing something wrong.

Once people hit this point, they will usually do one of three things:

Give up
Push further, hit adversity again, and then give up
Consume more content, try something different, hit adversity, and give up.

The problem is that nobody tells you that failure and struggle are not signs of inadequacy but are part of the process.

What success actually looks like

Let’s take an example of early risers. I’ve always been told that successful people get up early in the morning and are highly productive. They’ve already achieved the day’s most important tasks before others have even woken up.

The morning routine of a high-achiever

I get up promptly at 5 in the morning before the sun rises. I grab my green tea and spend the first hour of my morning on my patio, soaking up the fresh air and writing down five things I am grateful for and the three most important things I want to accomplish today. The first hour of my morning is sacred and dedicated to setting my intentions for the day, so I avoid using any technology. Afterward, with a clear and relaxed mind, I meditate for at least thirty minutes. This practice grounds me and ensures I start each day with clarity and purpose. Afterward, I head to the gym for a balanced blend of cardio and strength training. Once I come back, I have a refreshing and filling matcha latte with almond milk and an organic plant-based protein powder. After I’m done taking a shower, I dive into the list that I made earlier and finish it before noon.

Although it’s a little much for me, I’d be thrilled if my morning was like this.

Because this idea of a ‘perfect morning routine’ has been ingrained in me for years, I also set out to wake up before sunrise.

The morning routine of someone trying to become a high-achiever

The night before, I set up three alarms, one for 5am, one for 5:07am, and one for 5:10am. I almost always snooze the first one but eventually force myself up by 5:10am. I first grab my coffee with half and half and spend the first hour of my morning on my bed, drinking my coffee while trying to stay awake and waiting for the sleep inertia to wear off. I’ll scroll my phone, often watching random YouTube videos. Once the coffee has kicked in and I’m confident I won’t fall back asleep, I’ll start to meditate. The first 15 minutes of meditation aren’t too bad, but for the last 15, I start to get pretty restless and sometimes a bit cranky. By the time my alarm rings, I usually sigh a sigh of relief that I’m done and just want to stretch for a minute because my body feels so tense from sitting for so long. I’ll go downstairs and do some journaling, but sometimes my heart is not in it because I’m still pretty tired. I eventually muster up the energy to go for a workout. I’ve really only been focused on cardio because it’s what I know, and I am intimated by the idea of going to a gym to lift weights in front of people who are much stronger than I am. I am completely exhausted when I get back from working out. I sluggishly force myself into the shower, which feels like a big chore. Once I get out, I usually look to have a quick breakfast. Once in a while, I’ll have a protein shake and dump some powder into milk, but I’ll usually just have some boiled eggs with a slice of bread and butter. I’m still pretty hungry afterward, but I try not to eat anymore since I’m trying to trim a few pounds. Instead, I’ll just have a hot beverage. Afterward, I start my work but often feel like I’m playing catch up all day.

Even in my retelling and personal account of waking up at 5am, I’m glorifying it. This is what my morning is like when I actually manage to get up. After doing this for about a month, at least once a week or so, I’ll usually get up, grab my coffee, and go right back asleep for 15-20 minutes.

Over time, I’ve learned that ‘success’ kind of sucks. It’s full of setbacks, self-doubt, and pain. This is the reality of success.

If success sucks, why pursue it anyways?

I’ve had to ask myself this time and time again. I can only speak for myself, but two things keep me going:

The pursuit of success, despite being hard and painful, is still more pleasurable than accepting mediocrity. At the end of the day, at least I’m trying, and that’s something to be proud of.
There is a pleasure that comes from pain. The only way I can describe this is through an example. You go workout for 30 minutes. You workout for just 30 minutes a few times a week, and all week, you’re sore, yet you don’t see a damn difference when you look in the mirror. Your muscles are aching, you’re a step slower in everything you do, and sometimes, just getting up from a sitting position feels daunting. And yet, every time you get up and feel that pain, you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment and want to give yourself a pat on the back. I worked out, heck yeah! The same goes for anything you do. You don’t feel this every day, but when you feel it, it feels incredible.

Final words…

We’ve been conditioned to view success as this smooth and linear progression from ‘before’ to ‘after,’ often presented by content creators trying to get more viewers and subscribers. However, these success stories don’t just come from Youtubers and social media influencers but also from our own social circles, where our families and friends will share their achievements while glossing over the setbacks and painful moments.

We live in a culture where success is glorified and adversity is considered ugly, so we omit those parts of the story altogether. However, success cannot exist without adversity, and nor can it exist without failure. When we internalize this and normalize failure and struggle as part of the path to success, it frees us from the expectation that we must live up to this unrealistic image. Consequently, it increases the likelihood that we will, in fact, succeed.

The struggle to be better

For the longest time, I’ve been enamored with the idea of the ideal self, a fictional version of myself that represents the type of person I want to be. A person that is kind, loving, patient, resilient, disciplined, focused, [insert endless list of positive traits]. More often than not, this is just a fleeting thought, and I joyfully live my life in ignorance, on autopilot, and a slave to my environment, my conditioned habits, and my impulses. However, on occasion, this tiny voice inside the back of my head starts to yell at me, and it tries to make me feel guilty for living how I do. This voice tends to get more prominent when something happens in my life, whether at work or home, that causes a level of discontentment. For a short period of time, this voice tells me:

You need to take accountability and ownership over your life. If you want things to change and get out of living your life on autopilot, you have to be the driver of that change. You can’t sit and wait for the right opportunity or circumstance because it doesn’t exist. Besides, you don’t have the best track record with navigating favorable circumstances. Do something! Make the change, make the push!

In most cases, this voice, what I like to call the voice of the ideal self, depresses me because it reminds me how far I am from being an idealized version of myself. It reminds me of past failures and struggles that I’ve had with changing and trying to be a better person. Due to my questionable coping mechanisms when faced with an unpleasant emotion, about 3/4 of the time, when this voice yells at me, I try to distract myself from it. I do something to get my mind off of it, do something to suppress that voice and let it calm down. Most of the time, I’m successful in doing that, and I’m able to go back to the status quo until the next thing upsets me.

However, the other 25% of the time, I get a little motivated and inspired. I say to myself, “Yeah, you know what, let’s change. Let’s do something. I’m going to try something. I’m going to hit the gym tomorrow, wake up at 5 in the morning, be more mindful throughout the day, [insert list of activities that will magically turn my life around].”

When I’m motivated, it helps me get through a few repetitions. I might string together a few successful days or even weeks of enacting change. However, the problem with motivation is that it comes, and then it goes. It’s not a sustainable anchor, and once the motivation wanes, any positive change is undone at the first sight of adversity. It takes just one tough situation, and I give up. I get disappointed, so the voice of the ideal self comes back. However, this time (because of my questionable coping skills), I distract myself and go back to being blissfully ignorant and on autopilot.

And this cycle has been going on for years.

After piling on years and years of failed attempts to improve, there is just one small positive thing I can take away from it all; at least I’ve developed the wisdom and awareness that this is just how I am. That’s it. I can see it when it’s happening, as it is happening, and I don’t get as disappointed when I fail because I’m expecting to fail.

….

A few weeks ago, the ideal self started talking to me. Once again, it came after I was upset about something that I don’t even remember (that’s a lie, I do remember). This time, I was feeling motivated. The only difference this time was that I wasn’t delusional about the fact that this wouldn’t be a smooth ride. As a matter of fact, I know that I am going to fail. The motivation will go, adversity will hit, and I will fail. The only question that I am not sure about yet, is, will I get back up?

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my past failures. I’ve been trying to anticipate what is going to make me fail and have been trying to put measures in place to proactively address and account for it. I know I won’t be able to account for everything, but can I at least account for the obvious things I have tripped up on millions of times in the past? If I can do that, I will still fail… but at least it will be a new set of failures and challenges. I’m not going to win the whole game, but can I at least get past level 1 and get to level 2…that is the goal.

A few weeks in, and so far, I’m still chugging along. The process is not glorious. What keeps me going, though, is knowing that the only other option is to go back to the way things were, a slave to my laziness and impulses. It’s easier, but easier doesn’t mean better. Easier doesn’t mean happier.

Building habits (a case study with exercise)

After many failed attempts, I’ve built and maintained a workout routine for the first time in years.

Reflecting upon my past failures, I’ve asked myself countless times, why was it different this time? Why am I so confident that this habit will be sustainable, and is there anything I can learn from this experience to help me build other habits? I decided to use this experience as a case study to understand how habit-building works.

Identify a clear emotion-driven motivator.

It wasn’t enough to say I wanted to exercise to look or feel better. I realized there needs to be a strong emotional trigger that gives you enough activation energy, the energy required to get started. More often than not, the activation energy comes from discontentment (e.g., fear, anger, a longing for something). However, it can also be a positively rooted emotion (e.g., curiosity, excitement, love for something).

As much as I hate admitting it, the trigger for me was the feeling of disgust. I attended a family gathering when I saw a photo of myself that was not so flattering, and it created such an organic, repulsive, and disgusted feeling with myself. How did I get to this point? I’m supposed to be in the prime of my life, and instead, this is where I am? This created such a strong emotional response that it made me realize that I needed to change, and it gave me the activation energy that I needed to get started because I never wanted to feel how I felt at that moment again.

Make a plan (Research & Reflect).

A strong emotional response will give you the kick you need to get started, but if you jump right into it without doing the appropriate research and reflection, your “habit” will only last a few days. I had to be really clear about why I wanted to do this. Some questions that I asked myself were:

Why do you want to build this habit? (Covered above✅)
You’ve failed so many times in the past; what will you try differently this time? I’ve failed many times because I hate going to the gym. I hate the treadmill, and I feel like I always get hurt when I lift weights. The only vigorous exercise in my life that I’ve ever enjoyed is playing basketball. If this is to be sustainable, I need to do something I want, so I will try to play basketball.
What do you need to get started? Where will you go? How often? How will you fit this in with your work schedule? All I need is a basketball and a pump for the basketball. I used to go to a park years ago, so I can see if the hoops there are still in decent condition. I don’t want to go in the morning, but I can go in the evenings after work before dinner.
How will this impact other parts of your routine? We often fixate so much on the habit itself that we neglect how it will affect different parts of our lives. This is a question I did not ask myself, but I wish I did, as it would have made things easier. For example, I wish I accounted for the fact that I wouldn’t have the energy to make dinner after working out, I needed extra sleep to account for the physical exercise, I had to do an extra load of laundry a week, etc.

Make a commitment.

You’ve done everything you can to mentally prepare yourself for your habit. The only thing left is to commit to it. Set a time and date when you’re going to start. Contrary to what most people will tell you, it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow. If the motivation wanes after just a few days of waiting, you will likely fail anyway, as your emotional trigger isn’t strong enough.

I started on a day where the rest of my schedule was flexible. I chose a day that wasn’t too hot, there was no chance of rain, and I could finish my work early. I could also account for any unexpected disruptions that may come up.

Be patient, be kind, and repeat, repeat, repeat.

One of the mistakes we make when we try to build a habit is that we idealize and set too high of a bar for what success looks like. In the first few weeks, the only two things that will determine whether you’re successful or not are attendance and participation. That’s it. If I told myself on day one that I was going to play basketball for an hour, do several drills, and do a bunch of suicides (a sprinting drill), then I was destined to fail. The reality of day one was that I realized how out of shape I was. I broke a sweat and was panting just from chasing the basketball after I missed a shot. I felt so self-conscious on the court; my body felt uneasy with the side-to-side and unusual movements, and I didn’t get past 30-35 minutes.

However, I wasn’t demoralized or defeated. I went in with a low bar for success. I knew this was a process, and I went there and did it, and that’s what mattered. During my next session, the only thing that would matter is if I showed up and tried again. After several weeks, you can begin to set metrics and goals but now is not the time. You need to positively reinforce the success. If you look at it in any other way, you’ll be disappointed and want to quit after a few days.

Use data and adjust your plan again.

Even after just a few days, you’ll have several new data points that you can use to correct course and refine your habit. It’s extremely important to reflect on what is working and what is not and think about optimizing your new routine or practice.

For example, I thought that working out would only be a 45-minute commitment, but adding in getting ready to go, commuting to the park and back, and showering turned it into a 90-minute commitment. On top of that, I was much more tired and sore, meaning it took me longer than usual to do just about anything else. I also took a look at the workout itself. I slowly started to incorporate drills and realized I needed to wear specific types of shoes to prevent my ankles from hurting. I also needed to watch videos on different stretches to prevent soreness. Through this, I learned that this would be an iterative process. Almost daily, I thought about how to optimize my routine or research different things about working out.

Think through all the different things that will break your habit and adapt.

When building a habit, you usually need a consistent and predictable routine to get through the first couple of weeks. This is why I would never recommend starting a habit when you know you’re about to go on vacation or have a hectic work schedule where you will be working more than usual. However, you can only stay in this bubble for so long. At some point, you must face reality, which is full of traps that will try to break your habit. Given that, you have to try to be one step ahead and anticipate what will fail. I had to think carefully about things like what I’d do if it rained on a day I was going to work out or if I got to the park and all the hoops were taken. I made shifts to my routine to prevent them from becoming significant obstacles. For example, I knew that as the summer progressed and kids were on summer break, the courts would get filled in the evening, and it would get too hot to work out. As a result, I slowly shifted my workouts to the mornings.

However, other challenges ahead of me were harder to control (i.e., being away from home for a week). In those circumstances, I had to constantly reinforce to myself that I cannot chase perfection. I was visiting family for a week and determined to keep my basketball routine, so I researched and found a park nearby with basketball courts. When I reached my family’s place the next day, I proudly drove to the park but found no basketball court there. At first, I was really disappointed and demoralized. What do I do now?

I did some basic bodyweight workouts to break a sweat (e.g., jogging in place, jumping jacks, etc.), but I felt out of place and disappointed. This wasn’t nearly as vigorous as my basketball routine is, and I was stuck there for a week. I thought about what I could do to adjust though, and the next day, I adapted. I reminded myself that success is a long-term game and is determined by attendance and participation. The next day I went back to the park, went for a warmup job around the park, and then I practiced some dribbling drills with my basketball. Was it as intense as my regular workout? No. However, I showed up and did what I could. What I learned is that when faced with adverse circumstances, you can only focus on what is in your control and try to stay where you are on your journey. If you fall back a bit, you just need to get back up when things calm down. For me, this meant there would be days when I couldn’t play basketball. However, I could have a lighter, maintenance-type backup workout (e.g., jumping jacks, going for a jog, resistance bands) that would help me maintain the endurance I had worked so hard to build.

What we expect growth to be like:

What growth is actually like:

Final words…

“Success is when hard work meets opportunity.”

A lot of building habits come down to good circumstances and luck. Sometimes, you need the stars to align. However, you must be ready to pounce on the opportunity when they do. After having successfully built a workout routine that has lasted several months, I’ve learned that there is a loose formula that can help with building habits:

Identify a clear motivator, usually a strong emotion that will give you enough activation energy to get started
Spend time in deep reflection and researching the ins and outs of how and why you are building this habit
Commit and be kind to yourself along the way. The most important criteria for success are attendance and participation
Collect data and keep iterating on your routine – do your best to optimize it
Think about why you’ve failed in the past or what will make you fail in the future, and try to be one step ahead of it. Adapt when you need to.

Lastly, you need to get some reward from what you do, and the reward has to come from the habit itself, not something else. I’ve seen a lot of books that say to reinforce a habit, you need to give yourself a treat after you successfully complete a habit (e.g., get yourself some ice cream), but that simply is not going to work. It’s too easy to game the system and give yourself the treat without engaging in the habit. The reward has to come or be tied to the habit itself. For myself, I feel so empowered and confident that I am succeeding in something I failed at for so long that it makes me feel that I can succeed in doing anything else, too. On top of that, now that I’ve adjusted to a basketball routine, it often is the highlight of my day. It’s the one activity I’m doing for myself; no one can complain or have a problem with the fact that I’m doing it, and it’s much easier to be in the moment (in large part because I’m too physically tired to think about anything else 😅)